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Cyber Girl of the Week: Ashley Massaro

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Date: June 29th, 2020

Written by: Majin Tween

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Apparently this year, Ashley Massaro would have turned 41 years old. That's something that makes me incredibly sad, as I realize she didn't have a major influence on the professional wrestling industry but she did have a major influence on me.

I've been repping her energy for the longest time.

I'm sure you may have noticed in the long-form "Get Strange" Human Raccoon intro that she appears several times. That intro was actually made before her death because I loved her so much. See, back when she debuted in WWE I lived deep in a place I call 2000 Forest. To give a little backstory, I was essentially isolated from society by my mom. Despite the fact that I've never gotten to go to summer camp, living with my mom as a kid deep in the woods was kinda like being in Auschwitz.

Outside of going to school and visiting my grandparents on the weekends, I was held up inside my mom's house 24/7. Thankfully, I had an antenna in my room to watch TV with AND our living room had a Dish Network reciever (which is how I got into watching G4TV and softcore lesbian porn at like 4 in the morning while my mom was asleep in the other room. Score!), my grandma had scored me a computer that ran Windows 2000 and a disc called "201 Action/Adventure Games" so I had that and my Nintendo 64 (I would later snag a PS1 during one of my few journeys out when my grandma stopped off at a yard sale and I got a Gamecube in 2008.) Plus, I had a boombox that I'd use to listen to 105.1 The Buzz and 101.1 KUFO.

The point is, eventually, this cute bitch named Ashley Massaro popped up on my TV and I immediately got a crush. Yeah, I'm a girl. And I think girls are fucking hot. Deal with it.

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She seriously was the cutest bitch ever, and became one of my major fashion inspirations. Just the other day my friend's mom complained behind my back that I "dress like a slut." because I wear short plaid skirts, fishnets and cut up t-shirts that show the killer flat stomach I've earned from eating Spaghettios and watching Space Ghost.

You know who made me wanna dress like a slut? Ashley fuckin' Massaro, that's who.

Because my computer didn't have the internet on it, the only time I got to use the internet was when I'd visit my grandparent's house on the weekends. So I'd be on their computer, loading up floppy disks with pictures and stuff that I could fit on there and bringing them home to load onto my own computer. This is how I stocked up on Ashley Massaro photos. When she did Playboy? Holy shit. Game changer.

I was really sad when I heard she had killed herself. Suicide is something that has affected me... well. In the way of like, people I care about having done it. It hasn't affected me in the way of having committed it. If it wasn't obvious by the fact I'm typing right now, I've never personally commit suicide. And I never will. Because I can't commit to shit.

Badumtsh!

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The Majin Tween is a multimedia elf that makes super awesome TV for you to drink with your eyes.