Disney Adventures: May 2007

Date Posted: January 15th, 2022

Today we're diving into a fine piece of literature. A book! Yes, I'm well read.

Today's stapled together pieces of paper? Why, it's Disney Adventures from May 2007, since May is right around the corner.

It was the first magazine sitting in a pile you pulled out of a box in the closet.

No. YOU'RE in the closet. Homo.

Anyway. I figured I'd poke around inside and see what horrors lie within.

We open with Meet the Robinsons and Pirates of the Carribean. Two things I don't give a fuck about. Alright. Pace set. Fuck it. I'm not going through this whole thing. You can eat my socks. I'm thumbing through this bitch and finding the good shit.

Now THAT's the spice. We got premium, grade A Tobey goin' on here.

I've had a few people contact me and ask---

Nobody contacted you.

Okay, well I imagined that some people had contacted me and asked me if I was gonna watch the new MCU Spider-Man JUST because Tobey Maguire is in it. The answer? Yes. I'll watch a compilation that only has his scenes in it and then never watch the rest. Suck it.

Holy fuck.

Holy shit.

We got Hannah Montana, yo.

The original humanRaCcoOn mascot from back when I didn't have the technology to manifest myself in cartoon form.

Oh, the memories...

Anyway. I'm still butthurt that I didn't get to audition for All That, so I'm going to pretend I'm in this magazine so I feel better.

That's better. Now, who am I sharing the pages with?

Oh shit. We got Hannah Montana, Tobey's Spider-Man. This is everything this subculture I'm brewing is built upon.

Let it be known: everything I've created was pioneered by Disney Adventures Magazine.

Man, this really IS an adventure. This is fuckin' nuts, yo.

I just feel so happy about this magazine. It's so fun and----

Oh Christ. It's the Naked Brothers Band. I fucking hate these kids. A lot.

Their name is terrible, their music is shit. They're garbage. Why did we need a band named that? That's so gross.

Did Dan Schneider pitch this shit?

Like, seriously. Do a gender switch on that and you get people fired from their jobs and their hard drive scanned. What makes this any different?

Plus, I hate looking at the little fuckers. Burn them alive.

Oh well, at least we get more Pokemon.

...oh, and it's got High School Musical! I'm a big fan of Vanessa Hudgens after I saw pics of her in her underwear.

...I'm that easy. Sue me.

And look, the magazine's full of stuff. Shrek, Pirates of the Carribean. That stuff ain't my bag. So if you wanna see some stuff from that, check out the magazine. Go buy it. I can't find an archive of it online so I can't link you. I'm sorry. I've failed you. I jsut wsjalnted you o tjlo kmy e mywebsite