Date: October 29th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
Today is a very special installment of Human Raccoon Mailbag. Mainly because what I'm about to respond to wasn't an email I got. It was a video that was uploaded to Vidlii about this very site, and in turn, me.
Now I realize that to the uninitiated, I seem like an oddball. I make things known as "jokes" and I don't tweet dank selfies all day. But this fellow, who goes by the name "lostfile" (who has a voice like Yuriofwind and none of the charisma), decided to do a Let's Play-style video of my site. I guess it's a "Let's Scroll."
I wasn't originally going to give this attention... but then I was thinking about it, and I'm like... why wouldn't I? I'm like George Wood from Gaming in the Clinton Years and this guy is Retsupurae... except I'm going to do what George Wood never did: take back my damn pride.
"So, as I was browsing Vidlii today I came across an interesting channel... or an interesting, uh, user here... an interesting specimen. And he goes by the name Human Raccoon."
Alright. It takes 5.3 seconds of research to figure out that I have front-loaded anvils and thus, I'm not a "he."
Also, I don't go by the name Human Raccoon. The site is called Human Raccoon. I go by the name Majin Tween. But that's okay. That's not necessarily obvious. I just wanted to clarify that. Kind of like how Jason Voorhees isn't named "Friday the 13th."
You know what? I'm gonna pause the video really quick and take a look at the description this guy typed out about this video.
here's my thoughts on the elusive human raccoon which is a channel i came a cross wile i was browsing vidlii feeling numb after drowning my self with my favorite cider beer and found his website quite interesting i also bare with me i was still buzzed during the making of this video
Okay. So you're trashed and drunk. Fair enough. But you should at least be impressed that I paid you the respect of doing 5 seconds of research on you, something you didn't do to me when exploring my site. Also, fuck you. You're drunk. Get off the internet. This is how your cock pictures end up on pro-Jesus social networks.
"...and it looks like (s)he joined last year. (s)He's got 23 subscribers. And (s)he's got a couple of channel views."
Yes. I have a couple channel views. It's like five channel views. You fucking isosceles triangle.
"and most of (her) videos consist of a few random videos mashed together with some sort of 90s aesthetic added to it."
The Human Raccoon Videos aren't "random videos mashed together." They're skits. You'd think somebody on a website trying to replicate classic YouTube would know what that is.
"(s)He also has (her) own website which is called the Human Raccoon dot com, and it looks very much like a website that would come straight out of the 90s."
This would have been the first correct thing you've said so far, if you hadn't insisted on giving me a cock in your retelling of the story of my life.
"And if we were, to say for an example, click on, uhhh, gaming, you would see... I don't know. A list of this."
"And then it would be, instead of an actual game, it would just be like, a tweet that (she) made."
At the time, I wasn't banned from Twitter, so I embedded tweets that had to do with the reviews on the reviews themselves. There's a massive wall of review below it that he's not even looking at.
Also, Waluigi's Taco Stand is a real game. I don't make shit up. It's a real game. I played it. I reviewed it. GOOGLE IT. FUCK.
(Attempting to read my article): "Let's face it, we all dream of being... nosed fucked who works in a taco stand making minimum wage."
That's uh... not quite what I said. But you almost nailed it.
"So this (chick) is a complete, total rando."
"I find it interesting. This site seems almost exactly like it came out exactly from the 90s, and this kind of random stuff is also similar to what you would find on the internet back at the time because everyone was kinda pushing the envelope of what you could put on the internet.. and people weren't as sensitive."
I dunno, man. Pornhub has naked people sucking dicks. I think they pushed the envelope further than I ever could.
The video goes on for about two more minutes with him flailing and trying to comprehend a website that's 80% articles and 20% videos. But hey, if you can react to my site, I can react to your video. I am glad that you checked out the site and I hope that you find help for your chronic alcoholism.