Written by: Majin Tween
If you're an experienced reader of Human Raccoon, you're probably wondering why I'm so fucked up. Some say it's trauma, some say it's because my brain is made of mashed potatoes. But the real answer may lie with the fact that the first album I ever owned was Weird Al's Bad Hair Day.
Yes. My first album was a tape full of parodies of other songs that, for the most part, I wouldn't hear the originals until later in my life. Meaning I knew the Weird Al versions first.
You try to be normal with that shit in your backstory.
Since this is the beginning of HumanRaccoon.com and I wanna start each section with something kind of genesisy... gen... I don't know if that's a word but you get what I mean. I want to do a review of my first album ever. It's a trip down memory lane. It reminds me of how much I love Christmas time. My childhood. My mom screaming and throwing packs of cigarettes at the wall while her boyfriend tells her to kiss his "hairy white ass." But hey, if you remember this album: your childhood was awesome!
The original Coolio video kicks off with Michelle Pfeiffer in a leather jacket who thinks she's going to figure out this whole racism thing.
To which Coolio just starts rambling about life in the hood... which enrages this white lady so much she has to throw a chair down! His bars are just too dope! It's infuriating!
The problem is that Weird Al doesn't give a fuck about the ghetto. (Nor should he. If a society of morons want to walk around shooting each other based on the color of their shirt then they probably deserve to die.) So he parodied the song to be about the struggles of the Amish.
The best part about making fun of Amish people in a music video is they'll never find out about it.
This is how I feel about fat people too.
There's of course the infamous story that Coolio hated this song, thought it took the piss out of the hood life and was pissed off at Weird Al. But fuck you. The ghetto life doesn't deserve respect. A world of peace and love deserves respect. You guys listen to shitty music and shoot each other in the dicks and balls while screaming "WORLD STAR HIP HOP" at each other. Shut the fuck up.
Everything You Know Is Wrong
This song made me realize that you don't want a rabid wolverine in your underwear.
Callin' In Sick
This song triggers me because there's a girl at my job who calls out all the time and has never been even reprimanded for it... but when I can't drop everything to go and take over her shift they get mad at me and not her.
I'm pissed off all over again. But fuck it. Let's check out what things Weird Al's gonna do on his day off.
"I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp."
Dude. Lava lamps kick ass. My dream is to make enough money to have a house that is only lit by Christmas lights and lava lamps.
"I could spend all day in my underwear watching Ernest Goes to Camp."
That's fun, but I hate it when you're trying to watch Ernest Goes to Camp in your underwear but all your friends are hanging out and just start making out.
There's a movie going on, you sluts.
"I could sit and count my hair."
I'm so stressed out that it's becoming easier day by day to do that.
I've seen bald girls. It's pretty depressing. I don't want to be one.
"I could burp my tupperware."
Yeah. I could do that. I'll just---
What the fuck!
Come back here with my fucking tupperware! I need to burp that shit!
"Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun and trying not to squint."
That's no more stupid than the people who go on Jerry Springer and are like "I had my legs removed for absolutely no legitimate reason."
"Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from my belly button lint."
I have never in my life had belly button lint. I don't really understand how this trope ever happened. People must be wearing really cheaply made clothing and have very deep belly buttons.
...None of these things are worth doing. This song is ridiculous.
The Alternative Polka
"Loser" by Beck
If you feel that you are such a loser that you are worthy of being murdered, maybe you should pull your head out of your ass and fix the parts of yourself you don't like.
"Sex Type Thing" by Stone Temple Pilots
Rape is stupid. I don't understand being so amped up on testosterone and boner fuel that you need to fuck somebody without their permission. Honestly if you've ever even considered raping somebody you should have your dick chewed off by a comodo dragon.
"All I Wanna Do" by Sheryl Crow
"Closer" by Nine Inch Nails
Fat, smelly goth chicks love Nine Inch Nails. I wish they loved showering, disciplinary diet, not being addicted to heroin and not being borderline-personality-disorder having cunts too. That would rule.
"Bang and Blame" by REM
This song's not my thing so I'll let it go.
"You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette
The bipolar queen of fucking married dudes and then getting all pissy about it like she didn't have a choice in the matter. You fucked Joey from Full House, you absolute fucking loser.
"Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins
This song is good but then homeboy had to shave his head. I don't like the freshly Bic'd penis look he's been rocking ever since. He looks like Lex Luthor now.
"My Friends" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Being included in this polka marks the only time that a Red Hot Chili Peppers song ever sounded different from another one of their songs... also these guys are a bunch of circle-sucking assholes who sexually assault women before going into their tour bus to suck eachother off. Yeah, I liked Dani California when it was on the 105.1 The Buzz but these guys are a bunch of douchebags and they should probably go down in a plane like Buddy Holly.
"I'll Stick Around" by Foo Fighters
Apparently I'm not owed anything. I've made my peace with it. You don't have to rub it in my fucking face, you asshole.
"Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
Actually one of my favorite music videos. It's really good.
"Basket Case" by Green Day
"Do you have the time to listen to me whine?" could be the tagline of this very webzine. But Billie Joe is really up his own ass. I watched him flip out because he was on a concert where he was only given a set amount of time to perform, so he threw a tantrum and destroyed his guitar. Man. So sorry that Green Day isn't the center of the universe. You fucking egotistical dildo.
Since You've Been Gone
The first duwop song I ever heard. It's good.
"Since you've been gone... I feel like I've been chewing on tin foil."
Oh, that would smart.
I'm just kidding. I've had to deal with my wisdom teeth shattering out of my skull for 3 years and I've only medicated it by overdosing on ibuprofen. Chewing on tin foil is nothing to me. I'll eat an entire roll of it. I don't give a shit.
"Since you've been gone... "It's like I've got a great big mouth full of cod liver oil."
Well, you could have a great big mouth full of worse.
"Well I'm feelin' like I stuck my head inside a blender and turned it on."
...how small is your head that it fits into a blender? That's ridiculous.
"You know, I've been in a buttload of pain since you've been gone."
I don't know, some people seem to enjoy a buttload of pain.
"I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped a two-ton bowling ball on my toes."
I know that hurts because I watch The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
"I couldn't hurt any more if you shoved a red hot cactus up my nose."
This song must have been written by Triple H because that's the only nose big enough to hold an entire cactus.
"Since you've been gone... It feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day."
Tetanus shots!? Those cause autism! You should want your children to have crippling muscle spasms instead.
"Since you've been gone... it's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away."
Ever since the day you left me, I've been so miserable my dear... I feel almost as bad as I did when you were still here!
You fawkin' buried dat cawksucka! Take us to Gump, Erock!
The original song was called Lump.
Weird Al's version is called Gump because it rhymes. It's about a period in Tom Hanks life where he was retarded.
This is totally Tom Hanks.
I'm So Sick Of You
...isn't this the entire premise of Since You've Been Gone? It's just a more rockin' version. I mean it's good but it's like a continutation of it. I wouldn't have put Gump in between them. I would have let them fade into each other. It would have worked out really well actually. But what do I know? I'm just some whore.
Soooo this song is about watching reruns on TV. Weird Al does this so much that they had a compilation album called The TV Album.
He fucking hated it.
...I liked it...
Let's take a journey through the shows Al talks about and see what kind of horrible repressed memories they trigger.
"My whole family loves Three's Company. I see the reruns constantly... they're on my TV."
Hell yeah! Legitimately one of the funniest sitcoms in history. It was so good that God had John Ritter murdered just so he could autograph his DVD box set.
"M.A.S.H. and All In The Family"
I've probably, no joke, seen every fucking episode of M.A.S.H. ever... and really not enjoyed it. I just grew up around elderly people who were always watching it.
That being said, I have no beef with Vietnam. They've got some great imports. I don't know her name though.
"The Munsters and Mayberry R.F.D."
I always preferred The Addams Family, but I did have this Grandpa Munster doll:
I know you're jealous... but don't be, because I don't have it anymore.
"Oprah Winfrey talks to me, every day at 3."
Yeah, but I don't talk to her. She's one of the many manipulators in the media who just further aids in the long-standing brainwashing of society. I want to get one of those little water pistols and shoot cat piss at her face. Fuck Oprah.
"Then soon it'll be Wheel and Jeopardy."
For the longest time I thought the lyric in this song was "Wee Lad Jeopardy."
I just enjoyed the idea of an all-midget Jeopardy episode.
Get all up in that ass, you no-knee having bitch.
"Think I'm losing my sanity."
I lost that shit a while ago.
"I'm addicted to Regis and Kathy Lee."
I used to stay home from school and watch Regis and Kelly in the mid 2000s. My mom made fun of me for it but like... there wasn't anything else on at that time. I only had a few channels in my bedroom. After Price is Right was off the air it was Regis and Maury and that's it.
I wonder if ITT Tech is still looking for students. I'm a wizard at typing.
So much so that my typing teacher in middle school got mad at me for being so far ahead of everyone else in the class.
"I love the Partridge Family... and Dynasty... and Laverne and Shirley... and Hard Copy."
I do not really love any of these shows. Although watching Jordan Hembrough be a little bitch for Danny Bonaduce on Toy Hunter was pretty funny.
Take it, you bitch.
I Remember Larry
Larry is a prick. Seriously. He treats Al like shit. Let's look at some of the things he's done.
"He took my pants off and took colored pictures and posted copies all over town."
"Or that time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn."
Is that what happened to Rose McGowan?
Annoying green bitch.
"Those wacky fake phone calls from midnight 'til dawn."
That is awful. Don't go making phony calls.
Please stick to the 7 digit numbers you're used to.
"I lost all my hair because Larry gave me Nair shampoo."
Is that what happened to Rose McGowan?
Annoying bald bitch.
"He put Bengay inside my jockstrap."
Ew. Why do you own a jockstrap!?
I can't even provide a photographic punchline to that. There's no way to make a jockstrap cute. I have no pictures of the Olsen Twins or Miley Cyrus wearing a jockstrap.
Which is honestly surprising because I feel like I can find pictures of Miley Cyrus in almost any context. That's why it's so amazing that I chose her as the Human Raccoon mascot back in her Hannah Montana days. She's lived up to her destiny.
"He filled my toothpaste tube up with glue."
Wouldn't that just make the tube stick together so you couldn't brush your teeth? I mean, that's a fucked up thing to do but still. You could just go buy more. Or scrub your teeth with a paper towel.
"All those wedgies he gave."
"All those shoe strings he tied."
"All those brownies he made with the ex-lax inside."
Diarrhea isn't cute.
Neither is Rose McGowan's fragile mental state.
"I remember when he cut my car in half, well he really got me good that time!"
What the fuck kind of jackass would do that?
So the song ends up going into the world where Weird Al goes into Larry's house, stuffs him in a garbage bag and leaves him in the middle of the woods to die. He deserves it. Fuck Larry.
"Mom and dad are going out for the evenin' and you're stuck inside the house all alone."
You know what that means! Time to get your butthole fingered by your twin sister.
"That's when you decide it might be fun to harass someone, dial a random number up on your telephone."
I mean, yeah. I guess. Once the butthole fingering is done I guess.
"You ask if their refrigerator is runnin' and then you tell them they should go out and catch it. Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin' in from, they'd come and bust your head right in with a ratchet."
Yikes. Who do you think you are? John Lithgow?
"Little Melvin has a natural obsession asking for Prince Albert in a can."
I guess I'd better stop before Little Melvin does an interview about me being a dumb whore.
The Night Santa Went Crazy
I played this song for my grandparents in their truck once back in December of 1998. I popped in the tape of this album, which was already on the song, and they fucking hated it. They shut the tape off and said "...maybe we'll listen to this another time."
This really is my favorite Weird Album, probably because it was the first one I ever owned. You're destined to prefer the Weird Al albums that reflect the years of culture you enjoy the most...
...which is probably why I thought Mandatory Fun was such balls. But I'll get to that later.