Written by: Majin Tween
I know what you're thinking as soon as you saw that this Music Video Mucus was about Fiona Apple's Criminal. You think I'm gonna slut shame her. I want it on record that this Music Video Mucus entry will NOT feature slut shaming. It's going to be purely heterosexuality-shaming.
We open with the bad apple taking a picture of a camera. That's ridiculous.
And I don't know what the fuck this abomination of Christ is but it needs to be burned with fire.
I've been a bad, bad girl...
...were you the one who deleted my Mario Pinball Land game save!? You fucking bitch!
I've been careless with a delicate man.
In 2019 we call them "soy boys."
Oh now that's just a waste of pizza.
Who ate it anyway? It totally wasn't her. I've eaten meals heavier than her.
She looks like the girl in Spider-Man 2 who gives Peter chocolate cake, except Fiona Apple is a terrible human being.
Oh what the fuck. Why are you letting some grodie dude rub his hairy legs all over your face? Not only that, you're sitting in his bathwater. That means all the shit crust from his unshaved butthole is totally floating in that water and into your pussy.
You're a vile whore.
Don't even try to blame this shit on daddy issues. I grew up with an abusive single mother and I turned out fantastic.
Holy shit. That TV just grew out of the floor. I'd say I want that, but that would mean I ever stop watching TV.
I'm watching Demolition wrestle in Madison Square Garden as I write this, and this dude in the crowd with a tye dye hat is marking the fuck out. Demolition rules.
Oh dear. She's done some video whoring and it's on VHS! That's because this was before the internet, when you send pics of yourself in a bra to some dude in your math class and he posts them on 4chan.
Looking at you, girl I've loved since 4th grade.
Now she's married to some dude, living out a normie life. And I'm here vaping blueberry waffles and watching pro wrestling from 1990 while listening to some whore bragging about the dried cum flakes in her panties. I think my life turned out better.
Seriously. Why do men get laid? They're all hairy and shit.
I blame music. Every woman who gets a career as a singer is forced by her label to sing about love, cock, balls and pubes. That's it. Even Joan Jett. It's like a woman can't do anything unless it's to inflate the existence of men. Women are trained to be so retarded that if you're well spoken and intelligent online people assume you're a dude.
I've taken an IQ test. I"m almost smart enough to be the dumbest person in a room full of smart people. Leave me alone.