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Eminem AKA Documentary

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Date: March 19th, 2020

Written by: Majin Tween

Eminem is probably the greatest rapper of all time... but in a game of mumblemouths and illiterate retards, it's not a hard contest.

I do like some of his music, and was more into him when I was younger. So I picked up this 2004 home video release: Eminem A.K.A, which you can (at the time of this writing) watch totally free here.

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The menu looks like a comic book, which is pretty cool. But let's get into this documentary. I want to learn more about the man who says words that rhyme, and how he discovered that he has the ability to speak quickly over a beat.

The opening of this has the same comic book style, and we're welcomed by the narration of Treach... I don't know who that is, but he's got a cool voice. The special features of this DVD even have a bonus track from Treach, as well as footage of him in the studio. That's kind of hilarious.

This documentary calls Eminem a "voice of a generation." Because we all have a daughter named Hailie and a wife named Kim.

We meet Eminem's grandmother and mother in Missouri, and told how shitty Missouri is. Like, no shit. If it sounds like misery, it probably is.

Eminem's aunt went off about her mother dying, and how when she was on her deathbed she called and said "I'm glad you're dying. I don't forgive you, you were abusive." That is fucking metal. Holy shit. That's so cold. What a boss. This old white lady rules.

Eminem's mom kind of reminds me of my mom, in that she's a dishonest douchebag. She married some dickhead who played in a band. That's so stupid. Don't hook up with dudes in bands and have kids. They'll turn out to be little buttchin having weirdos.

One of the things she listed as a problem in her life was "pot." Like, that is God's miracle drug. How dare you speak ill of such a wonderful creation?

God... so much white trash in this documentary and it's barely started. I need Scott Steiner to show up and yell at these wastoids.

This disgusting white trash uncle that Eminem had is bragging that he warned Eminem about the dangers of homosexuality, and that "boys belong with girls." No wonder Eminem was such an angry little repressed homosexual in his early work.

This woman is talking about how when children want to avoid their shitty home lives, they drift away into worlds of fantasy where they can be "Batman or X-Man." X-Man was always my favorite superhero.

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It's discussed that Kim was adopted into Debbie's house when she was a teenager and given a place to live, and Debbie felt like she was her daughter. That means, technically, that Eminem impregnated his own sister.

That is hot.

Apparently she was an abusive cunt who would hit Eminem, but Eminem didn't want to hit her... so instead, and I quote, he would "hit his car or his mom."

...like...

What?

Kim wears lip liner though, so she's alright in my book.

They go through this whole story where Eminem was shitting on Kid Rock, even going into an in-store signing and starting shit with him. Which is hilarious, considering this shot from Berzerk exists:

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After releasing Infinite, Eminem had like twelve entire sads and tried to kill himself, but failed, because he's terrible at it. What a dunce. Suicide is super easy. I've done it like 20 times.

In fact, I'm gonna do it again! Right NOTSGjlhLKHLKHLKDJSGlksdjgaklgk

See? I just shot myself, died and came back. It's easy. But now my neck is leaking. I gotta go. See you next Tuesday.