Hokus Pokus

Date: September 14th, 2021

When the clowns are around and you're rockin' some shiny bling, you gotta tuck that bitch in. Like a child trying to sleep. Or, if you're down with the clown like I am, you gotta go "whoop whoop" and such.

Alright. Listen. I'm not a Jugalette per-se. I just own several ICP albums, DVDs, made their song Boogie Woogie Wu be the theme song of Human Raccoon, have made MVs of their songs, think girls dressed like clowns are hot, drank Faygo once, own their shockumentary on VHS, had much of the imagery of RaccoonTV be inspired by the lore of the Great Milenko...

...b-but that doesn't mean I'm down with the clown! Baka!

Anyway. It's time for us to sit down and take in one of ICP's most popular sahngs of all time: the hokey pokey!

Wait, no. It's Hokus Pokus. My damn dyllsexia's acting up again.

You're not dyslexic.

Shut up, phantom voice in my head. I'm ghosting you.

You sound pissed.

IT'S THIS GODDAMN ANGRY RAP MUSIC. I'm used to vibing out to gentle songs like Snow by Red Hot Chilli Peppers, goin' "hey yo!" like Scott Hall along with the lyrics. Or listening to "DOOO YOUUU BELIIIIEVE IN LIIFE AFTER LOOOOOVE." But honestly? Kinda over Cher. But the point is, I don't know about all this "whoop whoop" this, "yay-yayyyy" that. It's too much for my gentle soul. I'm too pure and clean. It's corrupting me and wiping me out. It's totally giving me deja vu to the last time I listened to ICP like five minutes ago because I'm completely full of shit and rambling like an insane person to distract from the fact that I HAVE TO PEE.

Why don't you go pee?

HOW DID YOU KNOW I HAVE TO PEE!? GET OUT OF MY HEAD! YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE.

Anyway. This music video pokes me right in the hokus.

Why? Because they're depicted as working in a shoe store in the video, and I used to to work at a shoe store!

Yeah! I'm just like the famous guys who make tons of money, except I'm not famous and I'm poor.

This video has 18 million views. That's insane. Back when I had a Twitter, I couldn't even get 18 likes on a post. But then again, I'm talented, hot and hilarious and most people are intimidated by that. They don't want to see a bitch succeed. They just want to scream at each other about COVID-19 and Donald Trump. I COULD HAVE SAVED YOU ALL, YOU UNGRATEFUL FU--- anyway. This music video is pretty good. I'm a big fan. That's why I'm blowing nothing but hot air.

I was listening to this song at work and this kid that was there popped big time for the line "I'm back like a vertebrae."

That's right. I made a millennial into a Juggalo. The cycle is complete. Fufill the prophecy. Drink from my golden chalice of piss and period blood.

Violent Joseph mentions that he doesn't want to see your head explode, but I do.

Because I'm so good at everything it should blow your motherfuckin' mind.

Like magnets. Or your mom.

Wait, sorry. She blows something else.

...wait, sorry. I'm preaching peace and love and then turning around and making rude comments about some chick I don't even know. That would be hypocritical. It's that damn rap music, I tells ya. Tell your mom I'm sorry, webzine reader.

... hey, put your dukes down. I'm not trying to come to blows. That's for all the hobos your mom sucks off outside 7/11.

The music video depicts a bunch of young adults ganging up on a polite stranger and robbing him of all of his hopes and dreams, and they just laugh. Like clowns! Those bastards! They're just jealous of his super cool business ethics and the fact that they're just a bunch of worthless shitheads with nothing going on so they decide to stick their dick directly into the ass of his life. But you know, that's how people be sometimes, yo.

And then we see ICP riding on a dumpster, which is ironic, since those people they just showed are FUCKING GARBAGE.

Speaking of fucking Garbage, Shirley Manson could get i--- nevermind. She looks like she smells like anchovies and ball sweat, dawg.

God. This shit is making me slightly aggressive. I'm not trying to turn this into a lyric site, I swear.

But I do be spittin' bars, yo.

The video just dissolves into chaos of ICP and these hoodlums trashing stuff everywhere they go. It's sad, it's pathetic.

But damn this music is bangin', y'all. Just like I'll be bangin' your mom later tonight. Idiot.

My mom is dead!

I know.

So I've got a little problem with necrophilia! So what!? YOU came to ME!

...oh the music video is over. Thank God.

I'm kidding of course. There's no such thing as God.