Man In The Box

Date: September 24th, 2021

I'm the ma'am in the box. The TV box!

Yepperino. It's time to talk about grunch. It's the meal between grunge and lunch. With Tommy Dreamer both defending Ric Flair and saying how he wanted to shoot Paul Heyman in the skull, it made me think about his epic theme song. That's right, kids. It's time to tackle the fabled 90s rock genre that sounds like DURDGAGDDURGHDADRUGHA.

So what better way to kick this off than with female rock icon Allison Chains?

Kind of a butch chick, but I'm not here to judge.

The song is apparently about censorship in the media. I dunno. I don't see it. I don't go for that subliminal, artsy writing shit. Vagueries and symbolism mean nothing to me. I'm an idiot. I like stuff that makes sense. I hate thinking. Fuck you, Allison Chains. You're a stupid whore.

I'm the man in the box.

Wait, what?

Is this like one of those Becky Lynch "The Man" things? Or is it like a 135lb. goth girl gleefully using a song about "the boogey woogie man" as her theme song?

Wait, no. I think I figured it out. Allison Chains is one of those transgendereds. I better tread lightly, lest I be cancelled by the liberal medi---

Wait a minute! That would be censorship! Like the Tran in the Box is singing about!

Alright. You have my attention, Alice. Can I call you Alice? Do you still have your rabbit hole? Can I investigate it with a looking glass?

I'm the man in the box: buried in my shit. Won't you come and save me?

...well, not if you're covered in shit, no. Poop is gross, yo. Poop belongs in the toilet, along with Cardi B albums and society, maaaaan.

Basically the entire song is just the lead singer, Layne Stanley, singing about being a dog and getting his nose shoved in shit and such. Why does it keep coming back to shit? Is this the artist's poorly disguised fetish? This isn't the first time I've heard about a grunge singer being into poop. Is that a thing? Do you have to like poop to perform grunge?

I mean, I invented cybergrunge. Does that mean I need to get into cyber poop? I have those emoji band-aids that have cartoon poops on them. So I guess I'm kinda nailing it. But what's cyber poop? I don't want to let down the audience. I'm a consonant performer who's used to having vowel movements. Do I need to have a bowel movement too?

All shitting aside, folks. I'm not kidding. Poop is gross.

No shit.

In a perfect world, that would be true.

I dunno. No point in complaining about the world. You can't change it through art, y'know.

Stay in your lane, Stanley.