Nothing Breaks Like a Heart

Date: October 6th, 2020

Miley Cyrus released a song---

well, actually, Mark Ronson released a song, but Miley is singing it, and the rule of pop music is that whoever the hot girl singing is, it's their song. Also I hate his haircut. So let's say Miley Cyrus released a song.

It's called Nothing Breaks Like a Heart.

The title is misleading. About a month ago, I was walking down the stairs and my vintage Spider-Man glass slipped out of my hand, hit the linoleum floor and shattered into a million tiny pieces. I had to pick it up and it cut my hands all up as I was digging glass bits out of the carpet. The song should be called Nothing Breaks Like a Cup.

The video opens with a child playing with bullets. Which is fine. It's not like the kid has a gun or anything. Although I wish she did. That would rule.

The police are chasing Miley Cyrus because of her experiences with Molly. I don't know who Molly is, but Miley's always talking about doing her. So clearly, lesbianism is illegal in the Mileyverse.

Miley is dressed like a baked potato, but luckily that means the illuminati can't read her thoughts... well, at least the thoughts she stores in her torso.

Now don't be mistaken: this song is still purely about relationships. Yeah, it seems like they might be telling a story about a woman committing crime or something, but nah. That's just the video. The song itself is about a dude. Because women aren't allowed to sing about anything other than cocks, balls and pectoral muscles.

Miley drives through a strip club, which causes a shocking revelation that she probably has more STDs than the strippers.

There are priests in the strip club, which is also weird, because none of the strippers are ten year old boys.

This world can hurt you. It cuts you deep and leaves a scar, things fall apart but nothing breaks like a heart.

Yeah, whatever.

But don't worry! It's time for your regularly scheduled smart phone marketing, because we can't go ten seconds in anything modern without having to have pocket wiretaps shoved down our throats. Yeah, everybody! Take a picture of your butt and keep it on your SD card. It'll be Mark Zuckerberg's wallpaper by noon.

My final word on this video: I like the song. It probably vibes well when you're high on four doses of heroin. But I'm tired of women only singing about relationships.

Look at bands like Icon for Hire and other bands that are led by women who sing about actual shit that's not just dating boys. I realize that my attitude probably makes people think I'm asexual or something, because my annoyance with society has basically made me become chaste, but come the fuck on.

There's more shit going on in the world than relationships. For example, a ROM of Conker Twelve Tales exists, there's 20+ minutes of footage of it, yet it hasn't leaked yet. Write a song about that you Disney Channel whore.
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