Date: July 4th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
Recently, I reviewed the new Miley Cyrus album She Is Coming. It was mostly awful, but fortunately the only semi-alright song on the album was released as the single to promote it. Which means it gets a music video!
It's true. I used to be kept in a cage, poked with a cattle prod and force fed dog turds as my only form of nurishment by the oppressive cock gods of our society until Miley Cyrus showed up at an award show with her armpits unshaved.
Thank you, Miley. Thank you so fucking much.
We open with the same digital crunching as the album version. There's no special intro for this music video, but we do get a shot of some girl chewing bubble gum.
Which reminds me of a joke!
"Why did Michael Jackson get accused of bestiality? He was caught blowing Bubbles."
We are informed that "every woman is a riot." Which is true. Most women live on their opinions, with no basis of fact or knowledge, and it's truly a fucking riot. I laugh my ass off every time I hear the words "women's intuition." It's just dismissing allowing 49% of the population to be completely retarded.
Now we've got Miley dressed up like Britney Spears in "Oops I Did It Again." I approve. I think latex should be mandatory daywear for all of society... and I also think that fat people, ugly people and stupid people should be killed. But that's a little to idealistic I guess.
I was gonna say that I like Miley Cyrus a lot better when she doesn't open her mouth, but from this shot? I think I like her just fine.
And here we have implications of nipple. This is the second most turned on a balloon's ever made me.
"Hallelujah. I'm a freak, I'm a freak. Hallelujah. Every day of the week."
You know what? This song might just be about me. Not sure.
...wait, so this says "you are fuck beautiful"? Shouldn't the censored text read "you are f***ing beautiful"?
Why am I the only smart person in the world?
WHY!? This video was hot, you fucking bitch!
Text flashes on screen that says "virginity is a social construct."
I mean, there's literally the whole "popping your cherry" thing that kind of means it isn't but whatever.
"Don't fuck with my freedom! I came up to get me some!"
You mean like the freedom of the press to criticize an album they don't like? Because you lynched a bitch on Twitter for not digging this.
Oh, wait. I get it. Don't fuck with YOUR freedom. Everyone else can suck a dick apparently.
"I'm nasty, I'm evil. Must be something in the water, or that I'm my mother's daughter."
Finally some lyrics I can relate to, because I too am my mother's daughter.
This fucking video is so preachy. Jesus. Whatever happened to looking cute and not giving a fuck? I don't give a shit if people think I shouldn't have equal rights just because I dress like a slut and eat GoGurt too much. I'm more tired about preaching in the opposite direction. Just fucking be. How hard is that? Who gives a shit what people think?
They also show a woman breastfeeding, which I disagree with. Babies are freeloaders and should be punted into the nearest garbage can.
And I don't know who this woman is but she looks really bossy and I like her a lot.
Hallelujah, I'm a witch, I'm a witch. Hallelujah, swish, swish. I'm a three point shooter.
I was honestly hoping the line would be "swish, swish, I'm a fish."
Okay. This song is absolutely about me. Now they're throwing in references to the fact that I'm a professional-level Tony Hawk's Pro Skater player. What's next? A literal raccoon?
Oh fuck off.
What's sad is if this was just Miley and the milf I'd be all about the video, but all these other troglodytes they've dragged in are making my room smell. There are seriously some people in this video who are so fucking gross that I don't even want their picture in my webzine.
You've got a naked lady with "I AM FREE" written on her tits as well as "MY BODY MY RULES", and toward the end Miley's actual mother shows up. I don't go for this whole "everyone should be allowed to be naked" nonsense. The human body is grotesque and deserves to be hidden.
But one positive thing can be said about this video: eventually somebody will edit out all the gross people and reupload the video to be less feministy. I'm looking forward to it because this shit has a distinct odor that I can't handle.