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Music To Be Murdered By

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Date: January 17th, 2020

Written by: Majin Tween

Oh dear. Eminem has released a brand new surprise album on the same day as Mac Miller's posthumous album.

Why aren't I reviewing the Mac Miller album?

Well, because there's only one way to say "this mumbling chucklefuck fucking sucks." and that won't fill an article.

drdrestandup

The album opens with a woman being stabbed and murdered, which gives me Relapse vibes. Relapse was a great album, so I'm a little hopeful.

I'm hearing that rattling click noise that's in every rap song ever these days, which sucks because it's overused and I'm afraid that this album won't have creative beats (like his old song Business, for example.) The current beats of modern rap are highly uninspired, unfortunately, and no amount of lyricism is going to make me want to listen to them. But I'm gonna give this entire album a shot.

Aside from that complaint, I did like the intro. It's a pretty good opening. But then we go into Unaccommodating. It amazes me that Eminem dissed all these shitty rappers on Kamikaze, yet lets Young M.A. on his album. The only reason this dude isn't mumbling is his xanax hasn't fully kicked in yet. And this beat is fucking garbage. Go back to his other albums. Does this stack up as an opening track compared to songs like White America? No. It blows. And yeah, his wordplay is amazing. But this isn't a fucking slam poetry special. It's music. It's supposed to sound good. And it doesn't.

The next track, You Gon' Learn, has a semi-interesting chorus and beat. This song's not too bad, but it's nothing I'd want to listen to regularly. It gives me Wicked Ways vibes, but it's a little better. The next song, Those Kinda Nights, is fucking pointless. Seriously. Why are all rap beat so fucking shitty? For like a solid decade they're just droning queefs and middle aged men turning ratchets rapidly.

I honestly got my hopes up with In Too Deep. The first few seconds gave me hopes that it would be interesting, but it's not. I can't even descern a melody in this fucking thing. Just listen to Sum 41's In Too Deep instead.

I think I'm in too deep on this album. I'm just pissing myself off. But it's time to kick a building full of newborn babies! This next song is called Godzilla!

And ooh! The most interesting beat so far, still relying on that repetitive ratchet noise, but this time Eminem is rapping way faster than the beat would imply should be happening. But you know what? Weird Al rapped faster in Hardware Store, and that song SAMPLED tool noises and still had less ratchet noises. So what the fuck, Marsh Marsh.

Darkness is fucking balls. It's like Beautiful Pain with no soul.

You have enough money to buy my soul and fuck it sideways and you think I give a shit about your frowns? Fuck your fucking frowns. I'll throw a jar of pennies at your dick. I'm sick of your bullshit.

Leaving Heaven just sounds like "please use this in a movie trailer." Don't worry. It'll be in one. And it still fucking sucks.

Yah Yah is noise. Never Love Again just sounds like someone's Nokia is ringing while one of the other songs was playing. Little Engine is fucking boring. But Stepdad is actually pretty decent. It's not great, but I like it. It's good. So yeah. This album's almost over and I found one song I like.

Lock It Up is almost good, but it falls flat. I'd recommend Love Me off the 8 Mile soundtrack instead.

There's a couple more songs after this, but what more can I say? This album fucking sucks. Eminem hasn't had a good album since MMLP2. I did like Remind Me off Revival... but he sampled Joan Jett, so the song was destined to be good. I like Five's Everybody Get Up too for the same reason. So I don't really consider that an accomplishment.

Seriously. Fuck this album. Listen to Low Down, Dirty instead.