Running with Scissors
Date: June 5th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
When HumanRaccoon.com launched, I reviewed Bad Hair Day. It was the Weird Album I grew up with. Running With Scissors, on the other hand, was one I got to have years later and it is a way bigger reflection of the pop culture era I glomb onto.
I actually went to Weird Al's Touring with Scissors back in 2000. It was a fun concert (and to date is the only concert I've ever been to), but it ended with a giant bloody car accident outside the Clark County Fairgrounds. I'm not saying these things were related in any way, but when I got his Poodle Hat album there was another car wreck outside my house and I had blood all over me and I'm not sure where it came from. I think Weird Al might be a harbinger of Satan. Not totally sure, but I don't plan on ever meeting him again because his power scares the everloving shitlights out of me.
On the CD itself is a video file that you can launch in your computer called the SECRET FILE! It's actually a mockumentary about Weird Al. Let's check it out!
The Secret File
We start out with Weird Al being escorted to an autograph signing by his security team. They say, "we need to de-brief you." and rip off his underwear, exposing his penis to the underside of his zipper. Nefarious.
It's a major security issue because as we all know, society wants Weird Al dead.
Nobody makes fun of Michael Jackson! (Except for the mainstream media.)
After a spectacular mission to get Weird Al in the door without being mobbed by paparazzi and fans, they find out that there's only one person there. A child who thought it was a Barney meet and greet.
We then transition into an interview with Mr. Al, who mentions that he loves being on tour but he hates being away from his parents. He mentions that a door-to-door music salesman came to their house and his parents bought him accordian lessons instead of guitar lessons because they're old cunts.
Al mentions that his parents always supported him in his dreams, but then they cut to an inteview with his parents where they basically say he's a big piece of shit that needs to get a real job.
Weird Al cites that his major musical inspiration was his black grandfather.
That's the whole joke, really.
We meet a bunch of psychopaths who love Weird Al. One guy's got a sweater made out of his belly button lint, for shit sake.
...what is Weird Al's deal with belly button lint?
As it turns out, Al's parents rented out his room to Ed McMahon. Ironic, since Vince Russo rented out WCW 2000's success rate to Vince McMahon.
Alright. Enough of this shit. Let's run with scissors.
The Saga Begins
I'm not a big Star Wars fan. It's alright. I like the promotional material for it more, which is exactly what this is.
I should mention that I'm wearing a "The Saga Begins" t-shirt as I'm writing this.
You probably know that there's an older Weird Al song called Yoda. This is Weird Al's second dip into Star Wars. He's pretty much just telling the story of Episode 1, except he's doing it better because I'd rather watch this music video on loop for two straight hours than sit through that fucking movie.
Did you know this junkyard slave isn't even old enough to shave? But he can use the Force, they say.
All men can use the force. That's why the #MeToo movement exists.
Ah, do you see him hitting on the queen? Though he's just 9 and she's 14. Yeah he's, probably gonna marry her someday...
Woah. That's an age gap! You can't have that!
(I'm just kidding. Any mid-40 year old women wanna get it?)
This song is so fun that it can really make you think that Episode 1 was a good movie.
This song acknowledges that Yoda sensed fear in young Anakin Skywalker... that he may one day turn evil. I think my Web Design teacher from 9th grade felt the same way. Like Yoda sensed Vader in Anakin.
Either that or he just thought I was a complete waste of space because I skipped class a lot. That would explain his "look what the cat dragged in" comment when I showed back up in his class after like, a month of not ever being there.
He put up a poster in his classroom with my face on it, where he photoshopped an "In20Years..." photo with me on it that said "In 20 Years... Sarah will still be in 9th grade."
Joke's on him, because I dropped out a year and a half later.
My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder
Pretty Fly for a Rabbi
This is somehow still less ridiculous than the original version.
Reminds me of when I pretended to be Jewish for a year in middle school just to fuck with people/give myself something to do.
I eventually told them I was kidding.
The Weird Al Show Theme
I got the Weird Al Show on DVD back in the day, and I can honestly say it is one of the most entertaining DVDs ever. Get the three-disc DVD set, watch the entire show... and then watch it with the DVD commentary on.
I vow to one day review the entire series. But not today.
"It's been one week since we got to see, cheating lovers and cousins that marry."
Hey. Sometimes relationships don't work out and you gotta fuck someone else. That's just the way it goes.
...and hey, a little incest never hurt anyone!
It's been three days since they had the show with the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho.
A woman can be all three if she desires such.
It's been three days since we had the tale about the guy who learned his woman is a shemale.
I have absolutely no problem with this whatsoever.
One week, they had this one freak, who sucker punched his whole family.
Was it Shane McMahon?
Look. The point is: the people on Jerry Springer deserve to be killed.
This guy who's afraid of germs is somehow less of a vagina than Trent Reznor.
Some of those NiN classics are like using a nine inch nail to scrape out the dried menstrual blood from inside your baby graveyard.
"Wannabe" by Spice Girls
If you want to fuck my mother, you gotta throw a fistful of cat turds at my niece.
I can't decide which Spice Girl I want to kick down an elevator shaft but I think it's all of them.
"Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger
Huh, I didn't know Jack Osbourne had a musical career.
I am 100% sure that this song is entirely about masturbating.
"Ghetto Superstar" by Pras ft. Ol' Dirty Bastard and Mya
If you win Ghetto Mario Party, you become the Ghetto Superstar.
"Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" by Backstreet Boys
This is genuinely one of the greatest songs of all time and nobody can tell me otherwise.
"Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth
You can't walk on the sun. You'd burn to death.
"Intergalactic" by Beastie Boys
I feel like the Beastie Boys entire career is just trying to hold your interest afloat long enough to get back to the chorus.
"Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba
Nobody liked this song when it first came out.
Now people pretend people liked it when it came out.
"Ray of Light" by Madonna
This song makes me think about Yahoo! Audibles.
"Push" by Matchbox 20
Sing this song to your wheelchair bound friends! They'll love it!
"Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind
I love those opening beeps. They're like, "Oh fuck. I'm going to have to listen to Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind."
This was a station changer for sure.
"Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson
Hey man. Whatever.
"MMMBop" by Hanson
The Justin Biebers of my generation. I want to kick these kids in the shins.
"Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground
I smell tacky lyrics here. Who's that whining in my ear?
"Closing Time" by Semisonic
I work in food service. Closing Time is never this sad.
Alright already. Fuck the polka.
Your Horoscope For Today
I feel obligated to mention that I'm a Pisces... which means if I die by drowning, that'll be ironic.
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.
I'm sad that I've never played Whack-a-Mole before... but if I did have a mole, I would totally whack it off.
Wait, that came out wrong.
Wow. All those Tumblr horoscope posts made me expect Pisces more toward the end. I'm shocked.
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
I try to avoid all humans in general so I think we'll be cool.
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
The only way out of that situation is to let Gallagher anally rape you.
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
LOL XD, SO RANDUMB!
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
That is profound and I have no comment.
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
Is Natalya Neidhart a Gemini?
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancée hurls a javelin through your chest.
Was Nancy Benoit a Gemini?
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.
You're right. These lyrics are cancer.
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
You know what? This shit is ridiculous. These lyrics don't even fucking mean anything. It's just fucking nonsense. I can't possibly come up with a retort to such fucking nonsense. I'm not even finishing the song. Fuck your horoscope. Shit's not even real anyway.
It's All About the Pentiums
This is my jam because my computer is a relic of 1998 and I'm cooler than you.
Truck Drivin' Song
This song would have been better if the guy wound up sticking a tampon up his ass.
When I was a kid, I thought the lyric was "I make Sumo Wrestlers look like Egg Moss."
Don't ask me what the fuck egg moss is.