7 Things

Date: December 28th, 2020

What are some of the biggest issues in the world you can think of?

COVID-19? Homelessness? Penis cancer?

Well, Miley Cyrus has a problem that's way bigger than any of those:

...the boy she likes isn't being everything she hoped he would.


The video opens with Miley counting her band in, who look way too serious for this song.

But to be fair, they've probably got boyfriend drama too.

Get it?

I'm implying they're gay. Which is immoral.

(Yes, I have a girlfriend.)

We get shots of teenage girls crying, probably due to their visceral memories of 9/11.

I probably shouldn't say this, but sometimes I get so scared when I think about the previous relationship we shared.

Why are you scared?

Did that Jonas Brother threaten to kick your ass?

Because I'm pretty sure you could take him. He's like 5 foot 3.

It was awesome, but we lost it. It's not possible for me not to care.

What? Not caring is the easiest shit you can do. Watch. I'll show you.

Don't care.

See? That baby's going to die, and there's nothing any of us can do about it. So fuck it. Let's dance.

And now we're standing in the rain, and nothing's ever gonna change until you hear the 7 things I hate about you.

Damn. Only seven? I have to hear like twenty reasons I suck on a daily basis.

The gist of this song is that her boyfriend flirts with other girls and that his friends are dickheads.

This is why you break up with Poodlehead McGreaseball.

So after ripping this kid a new asshole for like three straight minutes, it turns to the list of reasons that Miley likes him... he's attractive and gives her attention.

But you know what? Fuck both of you.

You've got the Jonas Brother who gets off sexually on shitting in his own pants. But Miley's all like, "nah he's really charming." I bet he doesn't even share any interests with you outside of canoodling!

Yeah. I fucking said it.

What about the other Jonas Brothers? I bet you neglect the shit out of them. I bet you two make out while they're just sitting there, thinking like, "damn I wanna get in on that." But you just cuck them out and make them sit there watching. Maybe you kiss him on the forehead and call him baby, while the other two have nicknames like dumbass and fuck you.

Yeah. The Jonas Brothers could do more around the house, but they are a little distracted with trying to make their careers happen. Oh fuck, they didn't wash the dishes. Sorry Miley. Didn't realize your Jonas Brother of choice can't wash the dishes. Better treat your two Cinderella Brothers like pond scum while lapping the balls of the motherfucker raiding your medicine cabinet and keeping it a secret. Clearly he's the one to bet your money on.

You need to grow the fuck up, Miley.

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