She Is Coming
Date: December 25th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
There are some misconceptions about me that come off because of the presentation of this website. For example, I do idolize Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and greatly admire everything they've accomplished. I would take two bullets and die twice for them.
However, Miley Cyrus is not someone I admire. Her personality in real life kind of reflects everything I hate about being alive. But because the Hannah Montana character has been a mascot of sorts for me personally, when I decided to launch the original version of this site back on Neocities, I decided that Hannah/Miley Cyrus should be the mascot of the site.
I like a lot of Miley's music. But I also like Limp Bizkit and I know for a fact that Fred Durst is a douche. That's not gonna stop me from cranking "I'm Broke" while counting the piss-amount of tips I get from work.
Miley has released an all-new EP called "She Is Coming."
All of Miley's diehard fans are poisoned by the Miley Virus. When she announced She Is Coming, everyone was like "yaaaas queen! Release it all over my face!"
We open this EP with a song called "Mother's Daughter." It opens with some digital farting followed by completely generic granolacore.
Seriously. This song, and every song on the radio pretty much, sounds almost exactly like Sonic Adventure's Mystic Ruins.
Everyone's so excited about this album from what I'm reading. I mean, this song's not bad. Even though there are a shitload of songs that come out these days that sound pretty much identical to this, if I was in a super mellow mood, I could see putting this song on. Even though the lyrics are utterly dog shit, I do relate to it. My mother is nasty and evil too, and I guess to a certain degree I am too because I saw a girl shit her pants in 4th grade and I laughed.
This song is fucking garbage.
Apparently, Miley's a little drunk and she's gonna get "high as hell." Ironic since I have a 6 pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade and a makeshift-bong made out of a pill bottle sitting by the window with my name on it.
Even though this song is boring garbage, the lyrics have points of accuracy. I mean, it's written like shit but she brings up the point how everyone flips shit about her being slutty/attention whorey and treats her like a cunt over it even though everyone else does the same shit.
I mean, Britney Spears has children. That means she had sex. With a DUDE. That's disgusting but nobody freaks out about that.
Holy fuck. Even though these songs all sound the same, somehow this one's worse. It's a shittier version of the same song.
It also features Ghostface Killah, who was in Def Jam Vendetta, which gives this song 1% of cool-cred.
Then again, Ghostface Killah also had a song in SmackDown vs RAW 2007. So maybe 1.5% cool-cred.
This song sucks.
The song Cattitude is featuring Ru-Paul, who is a human that I kind of want to see lit on fire. This song is the embodiment of why. Holy fucking shit this sucks.
This is so fucking annoying and I feel like I've contracted an STD just from listening to it.
Ru-Paul is talking about his "pussy", saying he sucks dick and has apparently threatened to finger my butthole.
That's sexual harassment.
Someone send Ru-Paul back to the Target bathroom they found him in.
Holy fucking shit. This is the most generic millennial norm-core fucking album I've ever listened to. I feel like I'm in a jungle and I'm dying of dysentary or something. This is torture.
This album is genuinely fucking terrible. I wouldn't listen to this if I was trying to fall asleep for fear that the Ru-Paul song might act as some sort of bimbo hypnosis and turn me into a butthole fingering fiend.
If you like this album or any album like it you're wrong.
It's true. I used to be kept in a cage, poked with a cattle prod and force fed dog turds as my only form of nurishment by the oppressive cock gods of our society until Miley Cyrus showed up at an award show with her armpits unshaved.
Thank you, Miley. Thank you so fucking much.
We open with the same digital crunching as the album version. There's no special intro for this music video, but we do get a shot of some girl chewing bubble gum.
Which reminds me of a joke!
"Why did Michael Jackson get accused of bestiality? He was caught blowing Bubbles."
We are informed that "every woman is a riot." Which is true. Most women live on their opinions, with no basis of fact or knowledge, and it's truly a fucking riot. I laugh my ass off every time I hear the words "women's intuition." It's just dismissing allowing 49% of the population to be completely retarded.
Now we've got Miley dressed up like Britney Spears in "Oops I Did It Again." I approve. I think latex should be mandatory daywear for all of society... and I also think that fat people, ugly people and stupid people should be killed. But that's a little to idealistic I guess.
I was gonna say that I like Miley Cyrus a lot better when she doesn't open her mouth, but from this shot? I think I like her just fine.
And here we have implications of nipple. This is the second most turned on a balloon's ever made me.
"Hallelujah. I'm a freak, I'm a freak. Hallelujah. Every day of the week."
You know what? This song might just be about me. Not sure.
...wait, so this says "you are fuck beautiful"? Shouldn't the censored text read "you are f***ing beautiful"?
Why am I the only smart person in the world?
WHY!? This video was hot, you fucking bitch!
Text flashes on screen that says "virginity is a social construct."
I mean, there's literally the whole "popping your cherry" thing that kind of means it isn't but whatever.
"Don't fuck with my freedom! I came up to get me some!"
You mean like the freedom of the press to criticize an album they don't like? Because you lynched a bitch on Twitter for not digging this.
Oh, wait. I get it. Don't fuck with YOUR freedom. Everyone else can suck a dick apparently.
"I'm nasty, I'm evil. Must be something in the water, or that I'm my mother's daughter."
Finally some lyrics I can relate to, because I too am my mother's daughter.
This fucking video is so preachy. Jesus. Whatever happened to looking cute and not giving a fuck? I don't give a shit if people think I shouldn't have equal rights just because I dress like a slut and eat GoGurt too much. I'm more tired about preaching in the opposite direction. Just fucking be. How hard is that? Who gives a shit what people think?
They also show a woman breastfeeding, which I disagree with. Babies are freeloaders and should be punted into the nearest garbage can.
And I don't know who this woman is but she looks really bossy and I like her a lot.
Hallelujah, I'm a witch, I'm a witch. Hallelujah, swish, swish. I'm a three point shooter.
I was honestly hoping the line would be "swish, swish, I'm a fish."
Okay. This song is absolutely about me. Now they're throwing in references to the fact that I'm a professional-level Tony Hawk's Pro Skater player. What's next? A literal raccoon?
Oh fuck off.
What's sad is if this was just Miley and the milf I'd be all about the video, but all these other troglodytes they've dragged in are making my room smell. There are seriously some people in this video who are so fucking gross that I don't even want their picture in my webzine.
You've got a naked lady with "I AM FREE" written on her tits as well as "MY BODY MY RULES", and toward the end Miley's actual mother shows up. I don't go for this whole "everyone should be allowed to be naked" nonsense. The human body is grotesque and deserves to be hidden.
But one positive thing can be said about this video: eventually somebody will edit out all the gross people and reupload the video to be less feministy. I'm looking forward to it because this shit has a distinct odor that I can't handle.