OnlyFans Plans Bans

Date Posted: August 20th, 2021

My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

What's got me feeling so good inside, you ask?

Why, it's the knowledge that thousands of whores across the world now have to get real jobs.

That's right, kids. We're about to solve the employement crisis overnight.

Yeah. OnlyFans is apparently banning pornographic content from their website. This is hilarious. I already knew most were destined to fail on this platform for several reasons. One, because it's an oversaturated market. Too many whores shoving watermelons up their buttholes on webcam. They can't all be successful at it. Someone's gotta be the Tony Hawk of being a whore. Then you get whoever is the Bob Burnquist, and everyone else is just the Justin Bieber.

Second of all... it's the 21st century. Who pays for porn?

Whatever your gimmick is... your fetish, your type of girl or guy or nondescript ungendered weirdo... you can find anything totally free on the computer. You can find the most oddly specific stuff ever. FOR FREE. Why would anyone pay money for porn? It makes no sense that this was ever a thriving business.

It was doomed to fail from the start.

But then again, maybe not. This is the same generation that has more access to technology and piracy than any other generation before it and they still pay for on-demand services like Netflix and Disney Plus. Like, if you think their catalogues are crazy wait until you find out what's on The Pirate Bay.

And look, I know it sounds like I'm disrespecting sex workers...

...but that's because I am.

Sex work isn't work. The superiority complex that whores give themselves because they blow dudes and record it is fucking retarded, while girls who actually try to do things worth a fuck in the world are treated like mental defectives. I'm fully aware that if I just turned in my integrity and started spreading my legs like a rumor I'd be infinitely more successful than I am now, but homie don't play that. The only people who get to see me in my underwear are my girlfriend and the mailman.

I think the ones who will benefit the most from this new advancement in society are McDonald's job interviewers. Think about all the hot chicks they're gonna get to talk to in these coming months! And they'll probably all get promoted to management because they're more than willing to blow people to advance in the world. Me? I stick to blowing the homeless for sport to try to motivate them.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"You can't seriously be happy that so many people's source of incomes have been taken away."

But you're wrong. I can be happy about that, and I am. I think it's hilarious when people who aren't me have a hard time in life. It's about goddamn time that attractive people suffer as much as those of us who are ugly and don't have the option. Welcome to the real world, jackass.

The new McDonald's employee earning her promotion.