Date: February 7th, 2020
Written by: Majin Tween
In Massachusetts, a man was being attacked by two pitbulls, when his neighbor pulled out a motherfucking crossbow like a Zelda character and fired two shots at the dogs to try to stop him. Unfortunately, the arrow missed the dogs and instead shot and killed the man being mauled.
The moral of this story? Don't bring a crossbow to a dog fight.
Ironically, the neighbor apparently cried "help me, please shoot the dogs." Someone tell Alannis Morisette that THIS is the true definition of ironic.
I still kinda wish someone would do this to the singer Pitbull.
If you're looking to stuff your fat, disgusting face this Valentine's Day, Burger King is willing to trade a picture of your ex for a free Whopper on that day only in three different locations (Boston, Los Angeles and San Francisco). But I wouldn't do it. I'm sure this is some sort of government doxxing program and they just want to collect photos of people for nefarious purposes.
Plus, you shouldn't eat fast food anyway. That shit is terrible for you. I stopped eating fast food in 2012, had one Burger King burger about 5 years later and I could literally feel the drugs in the burger re-enter my system. It was like taking a hit of morphine--- it felt amazing. Which is why I've never eaten another one. Just make burgers at your house. Fuck this fast food shit.
Utah kidnapping and rape survivor Elizabeth Smart said Thursday that she was sexually assaulted on an airplane last year while she was sleeping. Sexual assault is no joke... but in a world that is evil and amoeba-brained, I do have to wonder what she was wearing that may have triggered these savage retards.
Maybe she slipped into a silky night gown before she passed out on the plane... which I think is completely appropriate. Quite frankly, latex should be public wear and lingerie should be casual wear. All sweatpants should be destroyed, jeans should be illegal and ugly people should be shot in the chest.
Do know that if you've ever been sexually assaulted, it is not your fault. It's the fact that humanity is full of absolute animals who only physically resemble thinking entities, and they unfortunately are given the same rights as you and I. I feel like if your IQ is lower than 105, you should have to live in outer space so you don't endanger other people.
Also know that if you yourself have ever even considered raping someone, you should have your dick cut off and shoved in your mouth. You're a piece of shit.
This has been Human Raccoon News for Friday, February 7th.
Go finger a lady on an airplane, shoot a dog and celebrate with a burger. Get Strange.