Presidential Brainwashing

Date Posted: October 11th, 2021

I never gave a hoot nor a holler about who the president was. In my eyes, it's always the same invisible hands up a different puppet's ass. It's like caring which Sesame Street character is telling you not to fingerfuck your grandparents.

Let's flash into a look at my life. Today at work was a nightmare. Shit was backed up for hours, people were pissed about how long it was taking to get to them, dealt with a few Karens who shouted at me like it was my fault just because I was the only bitch they were looking at. And then, some guy bolted in and was like "HEY. I'VE BEEN TRYNA FUCKIN' CALL THIS PLACE FOR AN HOUR AND AIN'T NOBODY ANSWERIN' THE FUCKIN' PHONES. THIS IS BULLSHIT." The fat black lady manager (who I adore) wound up getting into a confrontation with the guy and he was like "YEAH. I BET YOU VOTED FOR BIDEN. THAT'S WHY I'M WAITING."

No idea what the fuck he was talking about, but I've dealt with my fair share of lunatics.

Mostly during my time working at the File City Maid Cafe. The owners were this decrepit old couple who, no matter how hard I worked, no matter how many people told them I was a good worker and was doing good by them, they fucking hated me and treated me like garbage. They favored this smelly fat lesbian that came in a year after I started working there and even made her a manager really early on, even though she would call out literally 50% of the month and they'd just call my house and have the Phillipino manager (who I've nicknamed The Chihuahua) say "hey she's not coming in again. Just come in at 8am." or whatever. Like, not even asking if I would be willing to do so. They just decided I was coming in and would spam my house with phonecalls until I answered, and even at one point were doing some weird dial-back thing where it would dial a horrific screeching noise line that would echo throughout my entire house because we had like three answering machines throughout the house at the time.

During this time, I had guys come in who had crushes on me. Got hit on all the time by coworkers and customers alike. Had a literal meth-head come in cranked out of his mind ranting about the Illuminati, stating "hacker demons" (his words, not mine) put "illegal porn" on his computer and then told the feds to get him busted because he was running a 9/11 truther website. Told me Jesus came to him "snarling like a lion" saying "they killed our brothers and sisters!" and then described an angel he saw as "a female figure with brown hair and green eyes" as I'm standing there with literal brown hair and green eyes like "please don't notice."

I stood there for 30 minutes nodding and agreeing with every insane thing he said to protect myself, to which this boy who worked in the kitchen came out and said "...dude. You have the iron will of a Samurai. How the fuck did you not break during any of that?"

Tons of weird shit has happened there. The bathroom was an odd place. I found a single pubic hair on a toilet seat once. Someone once shoved a 20oz soda cup into the toilet (with lid and straw) and shoved a toilet brush through the center of it and left it there. Me and this total milf who I was crushing on hard would giggle and laugh about how insane every single person who came in there was. There was a guy who wore a "WOLF MAN IS REAL" shirt with all kinds of site links and info about finding the alleged WOLF MAN, both of her kids (who were late-teenagers) worked there periodically and I hated them but God she was so cool. If she wasn't married and heterosexual I would have totally made that thing work.

...what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Presidents. See, I set precedents when I present my present topics. It's kinda my thing. I remember when I first kickflipped into having memories (waking up with amnesia at a single-digit age) the president was Bill Clinton, who most people know as the guy who got a blowjob and didn't inhale. But like... are you shitting me? We had a president who railed interns, smoked weed and played saxophone? How could ANY other president compare?

Then we moved onto George W. Bush, who... yeah. He was a fucking monster. He totally did 9/11, but damn if TV wasn't fun when he was getting made fun of. He was like a little chimpanzee boy in a suit. I was big fan. I remember Cort and Boomer on 101.1 KUFO had a series of skits called "George W. Bush: Boy President" that were fucking hilarious. They also had bits where one of the Transformers kept raping people in an office. God I miss that radio station. I want the archives of everything they ever aired. I'm so sad it's gone now.

But the lulz didn't stop there. Eventually we got Barack Obama, which reminds me of when I printed off a picture of Obama's head photoshopped onto 50 Cent's body and my English teacher got really offended at it and told me "that is NOT okay." But this same dude did a writing assignment where we had to analyze Eminem lyrics and breakdown how he writes rhymes, and the Vice Principal even sat in the back of the class to make sure everything had been properly censored and he wasn't breaking any rules.

Yeah. He was in his first year of teaching and got demoted to teaching volleyball after that. But I'll always remember that assignment. It was really cool to me, honestly. He had Red Hot Chili Peppers and Simpsons posters up in his classroom and even let us watch classic Simpsons, telling us "the TV shows you guys get these days are really dumbed down. I'm going to let you watch this in class in hopes that it sends you in a better direction as to what you choose to spend your time consuming."

He also did a Shakespeare Insult thing, where we got a sheet full of Shakespearean words and we had to write like ten different insults, and then he would pair us off into 8 Mile style face-offs with our insults. Everyone just kinda shyly mumbled their poorly written insults, but I knew what most of the words meant already so I compiled some killer bars and shouted them angrily from across the room. After a few rounds of this, getting deep belly laughs from everyone in the class, one kid who was wearing a Cookie Monster hat just goes "...how is anyone supposed to beat her!?"

Guess I'm just built different, kiddo.

But then, we move onto Donald Trump. The man who single handedly got used as a pawn to destroy the minds of Americans everywhere. Trump Derangement Syndrome is a real thing, and it's still going to this day. There are STILL people who want to see Trump impeached even though he's not even in office anymore. He still lives in people's heads rent free because they were so brainwashed by the media into thinking it mattered what he thought. What, he's racist? Doesn't like gay people? I got news for you: that's every politician for the most part. You think Joe Biden likes black people? He literally told a black guy he isn't black because he didn't want to vote for him. Hilary Clinton changes her political views to whatever's popular at the time just to try to gain favor. These people are all frauds.

I don't know anything about Joe Biden other than Marc Summers was making fun of him back in the 80s on Double Dare and that he's a pedophile. I also know that his vice president, BigNeck McBlackBitch, scares the everloving shit out of me. She's a genuine sociopath in every sense of the word, and I don't trust anyone who runs for president anyway. If you have the hubris to believe you should be running an entire country, you shouldn't even be allowed to roam the streets. You should be put in a padded room with a buckled up strait jacket. Fuck outta here with that ego shit.

The point is: it doesn't matter who the president is. It matters that you watch raCcoOnTV! I'm working on the next episode as we speak, you fucking ungrateful motherfucker.