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Yahoo! Grammy

Date: 2005

In my hayday on the internet, I didn't have my own internet access. I had to wait until the weekend when I'd visit my grandparents house and beg my grandmother to let me on. I literally didn't give a fuck about anything else except getting on that computer. In hindsight I have no idea why the fuck she loves me. I was a piece of garbage. I'd go to my grandparent's house, hide in their bedroom watching TV and playing Nintendo 64 and only come out to leech her internet. I think she wound up only letting me on so she could see me.

I'm a shameless sociopath. Sue me.

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Aside from message boards and Goldenchat, my main hangout was Yahoo! Chatrooms. I would always pretend to be 18 years old, which is ironic because now that I'm in my late 20s I pretend to be 14. But you know who wasn't down with my clowning? Motherfuckin' Grammy.

Apparently, somehow, I had accidentally left the "automatic sign-in" thing ticked on on her computer. So when she powered on, it automatically logged her into my Yahoo! Messenger account.

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Not good.

She had decided that this was her opportunity to stand up for the ol' Raccoon... well, I wasn't Raccoon yet. I was Gumm.

My original handle of Gumm came from the Arthur theme song, because I misheard the lyric as "Gumm found a heart." and for some reason that made me think Gumm would be a cool name.

It wasn't.

So my grandma logged into my account, saw my friend list (which had like 50 people on it) and decided to message some random fellow and ask them "what are your intentions with my granddaughter?"

Homeboy was flabberghasted. He's like, "u wot m8?" She told him that I was a preteen and that he needs to be careful of how he speaks to me. She went off on this absolute bonkers lecture, basically shaming him for something he had no idea about because I never told him my age.

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Fast forward a few days, I visit her house and get on the computer and message him. He goes "dude... I didn't know you were that young."

I was confused and asked how he knew that, he says "your grandma logged on and started talking to me. She told me all kinds of shit."

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I confronted her about it and she admitted to it immediately, saying "I just didn't want him to take advantage of you."

After that, we never spoke again. He ignored my IMs and that was that.