Amnesia

Posted: June 5th, 2021

My computer ate a dick recently and I'm trying to get it back up and running. I had all these plans to do more stuff on my site and then right then, my computer was like 'what if I just stopped turning on?' So now I'm on this really slow, laggy laptop. I don't have a lot of my graphical templates until I get it back and some of my tech stuff is out of commission. I was gonna use the old video aesthetic from pre-episode 28 to share some new N64 experiences but I can't do that until I get my computer back. So I gotta like, go back to writing to try to get content rolling on the site again. Because it's s00per important. Well, to me at least. I love having this site.

So all kinds of cool stuff are coming, I just gotta get my computer back. I've been growing up a bit too, realizing that I've been a real negative nancy about what other people are doing. Bad look. I may not like the current direction entertainment is going, but that doesn't mean I need to get all worked up and upset about it. I just gotta do my thing and stay positive.

So the first diary entry on the site should be about my first memory. That would all poetic and cool, right? I wanna be poetic and cool. And swole as fuck. With muscles and stuff. (no i dont)

My first memory is waking up without memory. Childhood amnesia. That's some cool lore, right? That's movie level. But it's true. I dunno what happened. Maybe someone chucked a bowling ball at my head. I do have a foggy brain.

I didn't recognize my own room, asked my mom and grandma "who are you?" It was more dramatic and theatrical than that, but I myself am neither dramatic nor theatrical. And no, I didn't type that with a straight face.

It's a short memory that jump-started my whole life story. Learning who my relatives were at a very young age while my inner voice was like "these people aren't trustworthy." Which has been true. I got involuntarily isolated in the woods for most of my life to avoid society, had McDonalds shoved into my face which kinda mutated me into looking different than I was supposed to. Why? You know why. Shut up. I'll talk about it in the next entry.

I wound up running away from home a few months before my 19th birthday. I was kept in a windowless bedroom and legitimately got yelled at for leaving to walk around my house outside and get fresh air. When my girlfriend put forward the money and effort to get me out of there (by calling a taxi service and having me get driven to her house) I had to sneak out at like 2am with suitcases I stole from my mom. Yeah, that's fucked up. But my life itself is kinda fucked up. And an interesting story worth telling. My mom's lunacy has led to a lot of really odd experiences that are totally worth talking about because my story is so unusual.

After I got out of there I had my family contacting me a lot trying to get me to reveal where I'd run off to. One of my aunts even threatened me, saying "you WILL be found" or something like that. And I realized, wow. There are people who claimed to love me my entire life who wanted nothing more than to hold me down and keep me prisoner. That kinda fucked me up for a while and kept me voluntarily docile and in the dark. The fear tactic worked. It was bullshit, I shouldn't have let it work, but I did. Getting to the point I'm at now of full self-acceptance has been really hard but I'm glad to finally be here. Do wish I had been able to do it sooner.

I've also avoided talking about my life experiences because I'm a comedian at heart and it's been really depressing, so it's hard to spark up those stories and make them funny. But fuck it. A true human being can't be funny 100% of the time. Same reason my show isn't always purely rooted in making jokes. Sometimes I'm just not feeling it and wanna get all artsy and weird. That's cool. I should embrace it. You guys wouldn't be checking out my stuff if you weren't into whatever is going on in my head, since that's all any of this is. An outlet of myself that people can inhale like a bong hit. Medical Sarahjuana, if you will.

I don't actually know how to end this entry. My first memory is not having my memory. That's the gist of it. They should make Flinstones vitamins that aren't vitamins so you can just eat them like candy. That would rule.

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