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Real Motherfuckin' Geez!!

Raccoonomicon » The File City Era :: Date: August 24th, 2019


The other day I met a really shy police officer. Shouldn't he be fired? How can you be shy AND be a police officer? "Hey! Stop thief!" Then the thief turns around and makes eye contact, so the cop looks down all bashful and gets shot in the chest. Fucking terrible. Fire this guy.


I had a dream last night that I was in a beautiful mansion with some cute girls in bikinis, but I guess I wasn't supposed to be there because Eazy-E showed up with a gun and started chasing me through the halls. I pulled down one of the girl's bikini bottoms to distract her, pinned the door shut with a box and bolted out the window and ran off the property while various Gangster Americans were shooting at me rapidly, but I managed to get away.


As I ran up the road, I ran into a fence that had electrified barbed wire along the top of it and there was no way past it. I felt defeated and panicked, because what if those guys come looking for me? But luckily a minivan showed up and phased through the house that the fence was attached to and offered me a ride, which I accepted.

They drove me to the restaurant they own, which was literally just the File City Maid Cafe with a burger motif. Employees started showing up, that were all vivid in my dream but absolutely made up and didn't exist. One of the girls was cute.


I was left there by myself for a long while, but then Billy Kidman showed up. This is when my world slowly started melting. At some point I disappeared and become a third-party observer, the restaurant morphed into ECW and Terry Funk and Billy Kidman started having a war of words because Billy felt as though he wasn't being respected. He felt like Terry Funk just showed up in my brain and started getting praised by all the inhabitants while Kidman was dismissed as a noobie.

There may be symbolism here. Long ago, Terry Funk sent me a free t-shirt and I guess replaced my urge to listen to Billy Kidman's You Can Run theme song on loop like I used to.


There's a war going on in my brain.


Speaking of brains, I get really upset when people develop Alzheimers... because it's a sign that they didn't use any brain power during the later years of their life. There's legitimate research proving that even if you live a vapid and worthless life void of thought, you can still play Tetris to keep your brain moving and will fight off dementia. So what the fuck. Stop letting your most important muscle rot, you NPCs. Christ.


Earlier this week I launched, the pro-wrestling spin-off webzine from this one. Readers of this webzine should be stoked because now there's a centralized place for me to rant about wrestling, and considering I get emails constantly whining that I talk about wrestling too much this oughta patch it right up.

...I mean, I'm still going to be busting out wrestling references nonstop. That's just what I do. But I won't review WrestleMania on Human Raccoon anymore. So enjoy that.

Alright. Time for reader mail.


From: @DenpaHiveQueen

What do you think about this recent wave of nostaglia in newer games? There's lots of new games being made designed to give the feel and vibe of old games, but making that feeling better, too. Check out Shovel Knight and a Hat in Time if you're interested.

I'm definitely in favor of newer games being made in older styles. I mean, the only reason I'm not into modern gaming is that it got too far away from the types of games I like to play. I'm turned off by the complicated controls, long tutorials, long-ass cutscenes and more.

Even in games I like for the Nintendo 64 like Zelda and Donkey Kong 64, I get annoyed at how long the cutscenes can be sometimes... even though they spend far more time on gameplay than a lot of modern games I've seen.

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