Raccoonomicon:

1.44 MB of Girls In Their Underwear

  • Date: 2006

I know the audience of Human Raccoon is largely devised of males, so let me try to phrase a hypothetical situation to try to set this story up: Imagine there's a war on your penis, and your mother is the General of the Anti-Cum army.

That's how it feels to grow up as a girl who likes girls. Every time you wanna see a girl in her underwear, it becomes a fucking covert spy operation. It's criminal. But you know what? It was fun.

I had a computer of my own that I was given as a gift, but I wasn't allowed to have the internet. Sounds cruel, but I was given a CD called 201 Action/Adventure Games by Cosmi, which was full of freeware and shareware games to play on said computer. So it's not like it was totally pointless.

It was the second computer I ever got to have, right behind the 90s-era Macintosh that my grandma got me off Craigslist before finding out the guy she bought it off of had a prison history and swiftly cut off ties with him.

Anyway.

When I went to visit my grandparents nearly every weekend, my grandma would often let me use her computer. So I would download pictures of girls I thought were hot, put them on floppy disks, take them home and put them on my computer. It was like smuggling drugs.

That wasn't my only outlet for my sins against God though, because we lived in 2000 Forest in a pool house owned by my mom's rich friend. The pool house was EXTREMELY cramped, as it was just a little mini apartment over a garage.

It was only intended as a "you can stay here" for your guests who are visiting and looked like complete shit compared to the beautiful house that was right next to it. But hey, it was a place to live where we didn't have to pay rent and we had digital cable without having to pay for it.

So because of this, I'd often sneak into my living room while my mom was asleep and turn on HBO to see what kind of whores were vying for my entertainment. This is how I discovered shows like The L Word and Taxicab Confessions.

In hindsight, both shows are pretty trashy. But growing up, it was mind blowing. Taxicab Confessions especially, since I had no idea how fucking disgusting people could be.

I find nothing more repulsive than the sexuality of others. Go jerk off into a sock and go back about your business. Nobody needs to fuck. It's stupid.

The point of this story is this: if you're a young person, and you got to "come out" to your family and have it actually go well: Congratulations! You've won a free PSP!