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Tales from the Maid Cafe: Hacker Demons


Date: February 5th, 2020

Written by: Majin Tween

Two years ago, I got a job at the File City Maid Cafe. It's a cesspool of retardation, and I've met some pretty fucked up people here because society is a fucking mess... but no mess has ever lived up to the man that came in here on Super Bowl Sunday.


He was a dishevelled ogre of a man. He walked in to order food, but didn't really get to it immediately. Instead, he opened with a speech.

Yeah, I work in IT. I've got a website--- where I'm working on exposing 9/11, because you know those motherfuckers in our government fucking did that shit.

Immediately, I was roped in. This dude's speaking my language. I have binged conspiracy documentaries on all kinds of topics, but 9/11 is a big one. So I actually knew a lot of what he was talking about.

He went off about George W. Bush being a piece of shit, and how he's "gonna get his in the end" and how he's going to "burn in hell."

But then... he shared some deep insight.

I've met Jesus. He came to me, pacing, snarling like a dog. You and me? We're brother and sister in this human race. And those motherfuckers killed our brothers and sisters for political gains. And Jesus is a loving man, but he's gonna open a can of fucking whoopass on these motherfuckers for what they did. He told me that I'm here to fight for them--- and that's why they're comin' after me.

I should point out that at this point I am standing, staring, blank faced and nodding along because this dude is genuinely fucking terrifying. There was a male member of the kitchen staff standing by, but he wasn't the one he was directing this conversation to. For some reason, I was the one that he was unloading this on.

They say these fuckin' teenagers are becomin' hackers... but that's fuckin' impossible. You ever look up the shit on how to hack systems? It's always different. This shit ain't never the same information. That's because it's all bullshit. It's demons. It's these motherfuckers in power. They planted illegal porn on my system and sent cops to my fucking house to bust me for it. It was a fuckin' set up!

I'm paraphrasing--- he actually did say what kind of "illegal porn", but I don't actually want those words on my website. Yes, even I have my limits. The point is, this guy doesn't think teenagers can learn how to hack. It's kind of baffling. But he continued.

And these fucking faggot homosexuals worship Satan, who's got titties. They love a man with fucking titties. These fucking faggots.

At this point, he's firing off so many words so fast and he has so few teeth that he spit on my arm.

Halfway through his ten minute rant, he took it to a scary level...

And if these motherfucker come for me, I ain't got a gun, but I got a fuckin' knife.

At which he pulled out a literal fucking murder weapon and waved it around. My expression didn't change, but my fucking mind was going a thousand miles an hour. I realized that I had to keep this guy on my side or I might die because I think this guy might be schizophrenic.

An angel came to me, with long brown hair and sharp green eyes and told me that I have to be a warrior for the human race. I take that shit fuckin' seriously.

About 7 minutes in, a woman walked into the lobby... but he kept going. When she heard what he was saying, her eyes widened but she couldn't bring herself to just leave. Eventually, the guy said "alright, I'm done. Can I get some chicken to go?" and ended it with "You don't have to believe me, but it's the truth."

I said "hey, these things happen."

He nodded aggressively and fist bumped me like I was one of his dudebro buddies. I've never fist bumped anyone in my life, nor did I expect to do it to a schizophrenic man at a fucking maid cafe, but here we are.

He got his food and left and I turned away to do something, to which the girl who walked in behind him just said "...fantastic job on keeping your cool through all that."

I kinda shrugged it off, but then the dude working in the kitchen (who was standing there the whole time) said "Seriously. You have the stone face of a supernatural god."

For the rest of the night, the running joke between the two of us was "pedophile hacker demons." I still can't believe I endured this, and no amount of my storytelling will ever do the madness of this experience justice.