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Goalie Dangerously

Raccoonomicon ยป Origins :: Date: 2001


If you couldn't tell by my dogshit legs, I used to play soccer in school. Specifically, I was the goalie.

Yep. Something about blocking balls just really appealed to me.

You can blame a trip I took with my grandparents to Walla Walla. I woke up early as fuck in the morning, got in my grandma's red minivan with everyone and drove all the way there. It was like a 2-3 hour drive. Fucking brutal. The upside was I got to have a McGriddle... and that I got to go to my cousin's soccer game. Watching all those girls playing soccer made me want to do it too.


Unfortunately, there was no official soccer team for anyone. Girls, boys. Nobody. My school didn't do shit. But the playground had a soccer field on it, so an underground soccer scene started brewing over there. That's when Goalie Dangerously showed up.


Goalie Dangerously was this butch bitch who showed up and basically told me I had to eject myself from the team. I obviously didn't want to, but she said that she used to go to Hawk Asylum like a year prior and briefly moved away right before I showed up.

Her and I engaged in a rivalry where we would take turns as the goalie, each desperate to prove to the other that we were better suited for that position. After one particular game at recess, I came off the field and said "I'm not as bad as you thought, am I?" and she said "No. You're worse."

I was pretty damn good, too. I blocked shots like a mad cunt. Very rarely did I ever miss, and when I did I let everyone spank me. You know, to teach me a lesson.

Eventually I was successfully squeezed out of the team and they just kept going without me. Sad, yeah. But whatever, man. I decided to just move on and let balls be balls.

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