Lacking in Luster

Posted: August 25th, 2021

Sometimes you light the fuse. Sometimes you break the rules.

We are live from Miluakee, WI. I don't know anything worth a fuck from there so I don't have a joke to riff off of it. But look! CM Punk is in the New F'n Dub!

But fuck that shit! We got Door Hinge Cassidy in the house, going up against "Big Cummies" Matt Hardy. The truth is the truth. Just ask R-Truth.

Someone's little jimmies are rustled. ://

Matt Hardy has money in his pocket, which makes him better than me and I know it.

Matt was bleeding like a stabbed pig. That's the expression, right?

But anyway, push him under the rug and move along. We've got Chris Jericho in the house! The crowd is singing Judas, Matt Hardy is still bleeding, and we get a promo about MJF kicking his butt ass last week.

There was a tag match to determine who faces another tag team to determine who will face another tag team for the tag team belts, and whoever has the tag team belts can go to Impact and tag team Melina.

In other news, I'm starting a tag team.

But now it's time for Jamie Hayter vs. Red Velvet, the latter of which now has an apron because she's "straight outta yo mama's kitchen." But if that were true, she'd be hooked on meth.

But then Britt Baker shows up and starts beating the shit out of Red Velvet.

Leave it to a white woman to stop a black woman from succeeding.

Speaking of, is it not problematic that a woman claims to be from the kitchen?

Oh yeah, and the Dark Order might be breaking up.

Yeah, I don't care either.

But fuck that shit right in the tit. It's CM Punk time, you fucking drug addicts.

Some dude in the crowd has a sign that says "Philuakee." That rules.

CM Punk cut a promo where he's like "young wrestlers are good" and then he shouts out his wife. I wanna give her a shoutout too.

Hey AJ Lee! Sorry a bunch of incels on 420chan kept saying you were a fake gamer because they couldn't fathom a woman enjoying things since the only chicks they've ever seen were in porn.

Then we get "Dangerous" Darb E. Allen teaming with Jon Ambrose and Kenny Kingston... wait, sorry. I meant Sean Kingston.

No, wait. Eddie Kingston. Sorry. Too many beautiful girls on this page.

They got me suicidal.

They're taking on the team of Dolph Ziggler's brother, some pedophile and bootleg Roadkill. Because when you have eyes on your product, naturally you waste everyone's time by putting on a shit show.

After the match, Danny Garcia runs out and attacks Darby Allin.

I don't like Danny Garcia.

He looks like this 18 year old kid who used to work at my old job who got a major crush on me and tried to psychoanalyze me all the time.

I think his dick died and he wanted to bury it in my backyard.

But fuck that shit (which is what that kid wanted to do to me) (just kidding, girls don't poop). Here comes Kenny Omegle!

I wasn't a fan of Kenny Omega until he started being the shittiest, cartooniest bad guy I've ever seen. It's so gloriously awful in every good way possible. Plus he's got Cyrus in his corner, and I love that smarmy piece of shit to death. He's such a jackyl.

Christian Cage got sprayed in the eyes, just like that kid at work wanted to do to me. And then Frankie Kazarian runs out with a pipe and I remember when he wore cargo pants and got whipped by Raven in some weird psuedo-sexual public humiliation stuff.

Just like that kid at work wanted to do to me.

Six man tag match kicks off next, which gets picture-in-pictured and a commercial for the new Candyman movie plays.

So here's the theme song to the franchise.

Man, the Jewish guy that wrote this song really liked black cock.

Speaking of black: Malakai Black is in the main event against Brock Anderson. Son of Arn Anderson.

I am so sick of children of legendary performers. Keep your cum out of my face.

Wait... that came out wrong.

Hahaha. Came.

If Brock Anderson went to NXT they'd probably change his name to Andy Borkbork.

Malakai Black is uncomfortably naked-esque. Plus he's got a weird little tuft of chest hair and he smiles like a kid who steals your graham crackers and spit gum in your hair. Piece of shit asshole.

I'm too pissed to finish watching this show. I'm gonna go try to find this boy from my kindergarten class, his address and a list of his fears.