Triple H is unfortunately hospitalized with a heart condition, but don't worry: he doesn't do the job for anybody.
AEW Dynamite is LIVE from some place I wasn't paying attention. But Malakai Black is in the house to fight Dustin Rhodes, aka Reddust. Surely this isn't going to lead to Cody returning or anything. Perish the thought.
Oh, wait. Dustin's wearing blue. So he's Bluedust... wait. This has been done already.
They keep hyping up--- wait. I'm sorry. As I was going to type up about how Bryan Danielson's nipples are poking out in every promo graphic they've put up for him, Jim Ross just pronounced "hyperbole" as "hyberbowl." What the fuck.
This man is paid to speak for a living. Good lord.
Dustin dished out some Canadian Destroyers and got tossed through a table in front of a cute goth girl who I only saw for like five seconds but is now living in my head rent free. Malakai wins after showing Dustin the fabled boot of Cody Rhodes that was left behind, which is left under the ring... uh... for some reason. To summon the energy of Stardust, perhaps?
Dude they should have Cody go back to Stardust. That gimmick was great. Fuck CAWdy Rhodes as a standalone guy. Get a gimmick, you pussy.
They just aired a commercial for Starbucks... more specifically, a drink called Nitro. That's right. Nitro on TNT. Sting will be on later, and Tony Schiavonne is on commentary. God I love this.
Tony and Taz get into a fight because Taz thought Tony was saying the only reason AEW was doing so well was because of CM Punk. It was weird, but CM Punk is in the hizzouse talking about "riding violent bicycles." I just imagine it like a bike that you're on and it's got fists poking out of it and punching you in the face while you're trying to ride it.
Punk takes some time to verbally felate much of the AEW roster, but Taz takes exception to it and says "ASHDKLTHAJDSLKGJDASLKHGLAKGH!!!!!!" in a Brooklyn accent, and Punk's response is "Give me Hook!" Hell fucking yeah. THAT'S HOOK RIGHT THERE. Hook vs. Punk. Book Hook. Let's end this one match winning streak Punk is on once and for all.
THIS IS A HOOK APPRECIATION WEBZINE.
I love Powerhouse Hobbs. Dude's a license to print money, and I loved watching him destroy that Gen Z-faced weirdo with the spikey hair. And then we get the UFC dude or whatever shitting on AEW's newest signings and calling them vanilla midgets or whatever. I don't go for that. You gotta have a positive attitude about what people like.
Dude this is like, the only time I've seen any of these modern commercials and it's so weird. This is the kinda HD shit people stare at all day? No wonder people are retarded.
Brian Pillman Jr. is living proof that children of successful people are pretty much always god awful at everything they do.
Tully Blanchard is in the house looking for oatmeal with his sparkly jacket. There was a bunch of matches before this but I was eating pretzel sticks so I didn't have anything to say.
But NEVERMIND THAT SHIT: Here comes Murder Grandpa!