Hair vs. Hair

Posted: October 1st, 2021

AEW Rampage kicks off this week with "The American Dragon" Bryan Danielson taking on one of the Young Bucks. I think it's Nick, because the one named Matt looks like Matt Hardy. But part of me doesn't want to believe it could be that simple... could it? Fuck, man. I don't know.

It's really refreshing seeing ol' Dickbutt in AEW. You get the "You're Gonna Get Your Fuckin' Head Kicked In" chants, he's tellin' the ref "I got 'til five!" These are all things you can't do on a PG show... why can't you say you got til five on a PG show? I don't know. But he didn't. So fuck off.

The Young Bucks are damn good at what they do. I know that because no matter how many good matches they have, no matter how into the matches I get (like that cage match against the Lucha Bros), I will never give a shit about them. I will always groan when their music hits. That's the mark of a good heel... granted, I felt the same way when they were babyface. But the rules are different now, so they automatically win.

Danielson wins after throwing some kicks and such. Nick got jack'd, son.

After the match, Christian Cage and the Jungle Men appear. What happened to the little boy who used to hang out with them? Did Chris Hanson take him away?

"More like Chris Handsome. Haha. WHY ARE YOU CUFFING ME!?"

It's an all-out brawl folks.

Get it? Because... the last event was All Out... meh.

Hobbs comes on screen with Hook (right there) and call out Brian Cage, which goes into a highly stylized Ricky Starks vignette where he calls Brian Cage a "cornball." Then we segue into Ricky Starks being on commentary with Taz and Excalibur. We've lost Jericho on commentary due to him getting the piss kicked out of him, and we lost Mark Henry on commentary due to the fact that he sucks ass.

But CM Punk is here to cut a lukewarm babyface promo that disappoints all of his fans. He says "nap time is always on the menu." I'm assuming that's with a side of Pepsi.

Oh fuck yeah. Jade Cargill is here. God. I love her. I have no idea if she's good in the ring or not but fucking hell man I love her so much. I want to eat spaghettios off her abs.

Jade's taking on the Native Thot, Nyla Rose! Did you know she used to have a penis? I learn that every time an article about her is posted on WNS from the very tolerant and accepting pro wrestling fanbase that floods the comment section and then gets banned shortly after.

Look. It doesn't matter what her gender was. It matters that she's fat now and thus doesn't deserve love. Obesity is the real sin, folks.

Oh and Thunder Rosa is here. I dunno, man. She always looks like she's on her period or something. Like she should be chucking tampons into the crowd like DX threw glowsticks.

It's crazy, actually. You've got Thunder ROSA. Nyla ROSE. Yet, Jade's the one I want to deflower m--- okay I'm sorry.

Malakai Black cuts a promo about black mist being sprayed all over Cody's delicate little white boy face. And then Arn Anderson's like "I'm gonna pull out a fuckin' glock and cap a bitch in the skull!"

(I didn't get to commentate that amazing promo because I was in the process of moving when it aired, but holy fucking shit. I love Arn Anderson.)

Bobby Fish, now known as Robert Trout, is coming to AEW to fight Sammy Guevara for the TNT Championship. I dunno. I saw Bobert in ROH and I never got the hype. Just another generic dude in trunks to me. But here's his chance to change my mind! Come on, bro. Swim into my heart.

Matt Hardy cuts a promo on behalf of Wrestling Society X legend Jack Evans, who is gonna face Four Inch Cassidy in a Hair vs. Hair match: where scissors will be on a pole!

Wait, no. Sorry. I was just pretending Vince Russo booked this show... God I wish he did. I love Vince Russo.

Oh, shit. Jack Evans is from Washington. I gotta rep the homestate boy! Come on, Jack! Stab Orange Cassidy with a pair of scissors you fuck.

This is a barn burner of a main event. If this were in Portland, it would be a Maine event. Haha. Damn.

You see, Portland is a place in Oregon, and also a place in Maine. And Vancouver is a---

Don't explain my hilarious jokes! Let them fester. If they realize the layers I add to my comedy, I'll lose my cred as a cringeworthy blogging mall goth and they'll realize I'm actually a brilliant comedianne using this as an excuse to improv comedy in a way nobody's ever done before. Let them figure out I'm a pioneer and a genius after I'm dead. Idiot. Nobody wants to be successful while they're alive.

The Butcher is wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt, and he's got Mickey Mouse tattoos (jabroni.)

Jack Evans sold the Orange Punch like murder. He did a fucking backflip, for Christ sake. And now he's gotta get his head shaved! That sucks. He had such nice hair. Literal rats nest. Shave that cum guzzling beard too. Fucker can't even cleanly eat soup.

...God. Jade Cargill is so fucking hot.