It's Friday night! You know what that means.
...That it's actually Saturday morning.
Orange Cassidy vs. Powerhouse Hobbs
Orange Cassidy opens tonight's AEW Rampage with a big bandage around his tummy and blue jeans. Major DDP vibes, if DDP weighed 135lbs. soaking wet.
A replay is shown that Orange has beaten Will Hobbs in ten seconds on Dark like a year ago, which is the most nonsensical thing I've ever heard. Hobbs is a monster and could have his way with anyone and all they could do is cry and poop their pants.
But shouldn't Team Taz like Orange Cassidy? His name is orange for fuck sake. Taz loves orange. He should be recruiting this man to his faction of assholes.
After Hobbs gets into shit with referee Bryce Remsberg, (is it Remsberg or Remsburg? Oh God I'm gonna get called an antisemite.) Orange Cassidy rolls him up with a pin and beats him definitively.
Last Saturday's Dynamite is recapped, where FTR (badly) impersonated luchadores to hijack the AAA Tag-Team Championships... while wearing costumes suspiciously similar to the shit they rejected in WWE. Hey man, whatever.
Anna Jay vs. Dr. Britt Baker, DMD
I fucking love me some Britt Baker. I'd let her stick her fingers in my mouth any day.
...that's all I got. Britt Baker won via doing the thing I just said.
Her body is some otherworldly shit. She's like tall or tubular like a vegetarian hotdog or something.
Andrade vs. Pac
I don't know how to spell Andrade's last name, and I'm not going to look it up. We gotta keep this organic. Raw. Well, not raw. That's the name of some other show.
Anyway. These two gents beat the piss out of each other, as you do, but then Malakai Black showed up in his little bulgey shorts showin' off the goods for all the homies. I don't get the little shorts thing. Is Malakai bi? Does he want to get Malakai Blacked? His shorts are so tiny. I don't even know what the fuck is going on anymore.
We get the long awaited brawl between Rody Chodes and Little Mally Kai Kai, because we haven't seen these two brawling enough. I don't even get what Cody is doing. The crowd shits on him, he apparently dressed like a superhero who is a villain but thinks he's a superhero, and yet he's still here not even playing into that kind of a character. It's like he legit wants to be beloved. But you know what? You wanna be beloved? Be Stardust again.