Because of The Sports, AEW Dynamite is on a Saturday tonight. Boo. But we've got Bryan Danielson in the house who is seemingly determined to wrestle a five star match with everyone on the AEW roster. His opponent tonight? Bluedust.
Bryan Danielson vs. Dustin Rhodes
This match is for the WWE ECW Championship and--- wait, sorry. Time traveling.
It's pretty insane to see how tall Dustin Rhodes looks compared to Bryan, considering he wasn't tecnically a "giant" in WWE or WCW. But you can really see the generational divide from then to here. It's because of all the birth control pills that are in the water that are turning the frickin' frogs gay.
Bryan won via a maneuver.
MJF interrupts Sting and anally obliterates everyone, as usual. He mocked Lex Luger for being in a wheelchair, for fuck sake. That rules. People in wheelchairs don't deserve to feel happiness, and MJF knows it. That's why he and the Pinnacle beat the everloving piss out of Sting while Jim Ross audibly frowned into the microphone.
There was a promo with the 500P3R 31337 but the audio quality was so bad I literally have no idea what the fuck any of them were saying-- and to be fair, don't really care either.
Ruby Soho vs. Penelope Ford
Ruby Soho's entrance music having the intro chopped off bothers me every week. I like Rancid, but I hope Ruby falls back down.
Ruby Soho wound up beating Penelope Ford with a roll-up pin, which is the move that won Kelly Kelly the WWE Divas Championship. We're respecting history tonight, folks.
A bunch of women ran around the ring. I dunno. Whatever.
Robert Fish is wrestling a hippy who has only wrestled one match in AEW and lost. I don't see this going well for him.
Before this match, MJF and Wardlow got into shit for MJF shoving Wardlow as a human shield, but then MJF told him Shawn Spears was his "accountabilibuddy" and walked off. I can't wait until Wardlow gets an AEW contract and clotheslines the everloving shit out of him. It'll be awesome.
Bobby Fish should team up with Shark Boy. He won, btw.
Bobby starts beating the piss out of the job guy. Excalibur says the referee should be threatening him with fines, but you can't sue a fish. The paperwork would get all wet.
CM Punk runs out just as Dr. Girlfriend was noting that they don't know what to do with Bobby Fish and now we're both like "yeah alright that works I guess." So now we got CM Punk and Bobby Fish entering a feud against each other. Yeah. Fuck it. It's okay to beat Fish because he doesn't have any feelings.
The MMA boys are cutting a promo on Sammy Guevara but I wasn't really listening. I was ranting out loud about Sammy quoting Jericho with the "shut the hell up" catchphrase that I hate. I hate when WWE turns great mic guys into catchphrase machines. People always tell me I should just stick to catchphrases and I'm always just like "I don't want to!"
Lambert made a joke about Sammy suckin' PECKAS and the crowd didn't really go for it. It's a progressive crowd here in AEW. They're not into homophobia and whatnot. Not really sure why it's still a thing anyway. I realize in like 100 years all this bigotry going on in the world against LGBT people is gonna be looked back on the way we look at the "colored water fountains" era but man, living in it right now and witnessing how bigoted people are makes me physically ill. It really shouldn't matter what someone is, but whatever. I only make jokes about varying groups because I'm already in the "who cares about identitiy politics" headspace.
Oh yeah, and right after a huge brawl with Guevera, Inner Circle and MMA boys they have Guevara walk back out and start doing his sharpied sign gimmick. Really weird pacing and timing. Poorly timed.
Jungle Boy vs. Brandon Cutler
I liked Brandon Cutler's weird dragon mask thing he had but his "I wear a plastic mask" gimmick is pretty fun. And before I could even type any of this shit out, Brandon Cutler taps out to Jung L. Boy.
Crowd fucking loves this fucker and I do too. One day, he may become Jungle Man.
And, holy fuck. Jungle Boy's got the mic. His promo should be like ehaudheueheueh. Like monkey noises or whatever. But he's actually well spoken. He even said the shit word!
Jungle Boy calls out a member of The Elite, nobody comes out, so he hits the STF--- or, uh, Snare Trap on Brandon Cutler. But then Adam Cole struts out cuttin' a promo. But then when the brawl stars, the Young Bucks burst into the ring and attack Jungle Boy from behind. They just kick the piss out of him for a while and there's no Luchasaurus in sight to save him. The crowd is chanting and he's getting his ass kicked. The people want the dinosaur man and they're not getting the dinosaur man and Jungle Boy is getting kicked in the skull repeatedly and nobody cares and I'm screaming and crying and I can't feel my legs this is so traumatic.
Oh, apparently Luchasaurus isn't here because he got attacked last week. My bad.
They chuck Jungle Boy off the rstage through the
crash pad table. Tony Schiavonne says he "hates" Adam Cole... but he's friends with Dr. Britt Baker! She sucks his dick! I've seen it!
Malakai Black vs. Cody Rhodes
I missed the Miro promo because I was getting an ice cream sandwich.
Cody is getting booed. Not as hard as last time, but still getting booed. And then he does the Figure Four, the crowd goes "WOOOO!" and I'm just thinking... we're doing Ric Flair shit in 2021? After the Dark Side of the Ring thing and all that? I realize Dusty did the move too but that is not who you think of when you see someone do the Figure Four. I realize Cody makes four figures in this company and has had four action figures at this point (probably) but come on dawg. You're not doing a good job in tricking people into cheering for you.
Black pulls out a table after a bunch of chair teases, but it's like... the commentators keep saying this isn't a no DQ match.
Malakai Black and Cody Rhodes are both bleeding. I said they should both press their foreheads together and become blood brothers, but Dr. Girlfriend called them the Tampon Twins.
Cody hits the Tiger Driver '98 and wins and the crowd boos the everloving piss out of him. I think Cody really put the audience off when he decided that he wanted his own version of Total Divas and you can see him talking to Ricky Starks like a principal talks to a child who just got busted with a porn magazine.