Rules were meant to be broken, and fuses were meant to be lit. It's Wednesday night, you fucking bitch. You know what the motherfuck that goddamn means you piece of shit. Fuck you.
CM Punk vs. Bobby Fish
I'm almost a Bobby Fish fan. I love his little shark teeth mouth piece thinger, but I want him to do more fish stuff. He should roll to the ring in a fish tank like Undertaker's motorcycle. He should be managed by Shark Boy. He should use a giant trout as a weapon.
CM Punk's rocking the long tights. It's a good look, but homeboy needs some Just For Men. His beard is weird. His stache is trash.
Punk wins because of course he does.
...oh, and apparently we're getting more Malakai Black and Cody Rhodes feud. Sweet. This is going great.
MJF vs. Bryce Donovan
I think this Bryce kid has a real shot in this one.
Before I could even type "I'm kidding" MJF lays homeboy out with a piledriver and grabs the microphone.
MJF spent what felt like ten years shitting on the Boston crowd before a video of Darby Allin dropkicking a guy wearing an MJF picture on his face during some concert airs, then he fucked up all The Boyz with his thumbtack skateboard and Sting hit Shawn Spears in the chair with a bat, which he sold like death.
Ethan Page vs. Sammy Guevara
Sammy Guevera is wearing basically the same gear as Bobby Fish was... which brings me back to Bobby Fish. That dude shouldn't be wearing red. He should be wearing blue! Water World? This shit's like Blood World!
Are there fish that swim in blood?
Oh, and Sammy retains the title or whatever. But Jericho comes out and starts screaming into the microphone, quoting Aerosmith. Aerosmith is the Tim Allen of music.
Bryan Danielson goes off on a tirade backstage shaming Eddie Kingston for being open about his depression and mental health issues and says he wants to kick the shit out of him. Biggest babyface in the company.
Serena Deeb vs. Hikaru Shida
The Deebster cracked Hikaru Shida in the face, head and braincase with the award for 50 match wins she was trying to obtain and now they're fighting again. Serena used to look like the mom who would drop you off for soccer practice, and now she looks like one of those ladies who tells dudes how to jerk off on the computer.
Shida wins but Deeb beebs the shida out of her.
...God that was stupid. I'm sorry.
Ten vs. Jon Moxley
Moxley is in a bad mood because he saw his gnarly chest hair in the mirror and it made him feel sad inside, but not as sad as I am having to look at it.
Moxley beats the everloving piss out of Ten while Jim Ross says "well, he ain't no Jon Moxley." That's a good way to get the guy over. Good work.
Then he fuckin' ripped Ten's mask open and bit his face and now he's gushing blood everywhere. And then he just kills him with a Paradigm shift. Brutal.
Cody Rhodes hits the ring and cuts a promo telling the audience he considered hitting a Pedigree and turning heel but ultimately decided not to, because he loves the fans and wants to take a tour sucking all their dicks or whatever. I dunno, man. This is weak and I think they're gonna keep booing the shit out of him after this. They certainly didn't turn around and decide he rules.
The Dark Order vs. The Elite
The uh... The Dark Order is dressed as all kinds of shit. Kratos, a cowboy, Bambi... I dunno, man. They're vibing. But then the Elite shows up dressed like the Ghostbusters. Because Halloween and such.
There's so much rule breaking here that shouldn't be allowed to fly. Omega used the Proton Pack as a weapon, Cabana sprayed an aerosol can into a dude's eyes. That referee sucks six dicks.
If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? That's right. Frank Stallone.