It's time to take a cowboy shit! This is AEW Full Gear! The biggest show of the day!
During the Buy In, Dante Martin hit the ring to address the fact that Team Taz wants him to join their orange and black attack, but Dante didn't get to say anything before The Acclaimed came to the ring
It's also worth noting that tonight is the anniversary of Eddie Guerrero commiting not alive, and it happened in the same city that this show is happening in.
Really makes you think.
...oh, who am I kidding. Nobody thinks anymore.
Hikaru Shida & Thunder Rosa vs. Jamie Hayer & Nyla Rose
I'm just gonna say it: this match is about Jamie Hayter's ass.
The commentators keep talking about the Lights Out match that Thunder Rosa had against Britt Baker, because Thunder Rosa hasn't done anything since then so it's her last accolade to call back on.
Justin Roberts always introduces Jim Ross as the "Hall of Fame voice of wrestling." But which Hall of Fame is that? Motherfucker.
MJF vs. Darby Allin
Good lord. We're opening with this? Alright.
MJF has the ugliest robe I have ever seen. It's got the plaid of his scarf mixed in with some purple bathrobe looking shit.
Darby does a video package where he's driving a car with a dude with MJF's face taped to him, and then he flips the car and sets it on fire. I don't know exactly what that accomplishes or whatever but you do you, man.
Darby's got new face paint where he looks like one of the aliens from They Live.
...wait, are they aliens or demons? I'll have to tackle that subject later tonight.
Jim Ross called MJF one of the "four pillows" of AEW.
Gives new meaning to the term "rest hold."
FTR vs. Lucha Bros.
The Luchadore Brothers got a really fancy entrance where some army guys got hit with an alarm and they're all like "oh fuck what the hell is this!?" and then it's two masked wrestler guys.
I'll be honest, I wasn't a big FTR fan before... but now? Still not. Haha. Suck it.
Jim Ross has been shitting on this match the entire time. Criticizing the referee for his slow counting, or not doing more to stop guys from cheating, etc. I feel like JR wants out of this company. He's too old school for the new school, yo. That's a shame. I like hearing an old man with Alzheimer's trying to keep up with a product he isn't enjoying.
Miro vs. Bryan Danielson
#1 Contenders Match: AEW World Heavyweight Championship
Miro and Bryan Danielson both have hot wives who work for WWE. This should be an amazing contest.
This is a match that happened in WWE when both men were missing their testicles. But now they've got their balls hooked back up and they're ready to punch the piss out of each other.
Dickbutt wins via submission, because of course he does.
The Super Elite vs. Christian Cage & Jungle Express
The Young Bucks are rocking Pepsto Bismol gear, while The Jung Bucks are wearing jeans and a t-shirt to wrestle in... except for Luchasaurus, who is still a pro wrestling dinosaur man.
The match had it all: a young twink afraid to hit another man with a chair, blood, six sweaty men, pink beards. Good lord. They got everything.
This was, so far, match of the night. You could tell JR wanted it to fucking end. It was too long. Too much action. He's gotta be in bed by 8pm, this is going on too long.
Andrade El Idolo & Malakai Black vs. Pac & Cody Rhodes
Cody Rhodes has to feel so confused. He begged the audience not to boo him anymore and they're still doing it. This would have never happened in WWE.
Malakai Black's face has now become half corrupted, so now he's another wrestler with half his face painted in the company. Darby does it, Dustin Rhodes does it, even The Human Tampon Thunder Rosa does it.
The big angle on this match is that neither team knows how to co-exist with the other. But it's really not that hard. I saw a bumper sticker that said co-exist once and I've been zen as fuck ever since.
Tay Conti vs. Britt Baker
AEW Women's Championship
This match is for the AEW World Womenweight Championship. These two competitotrs have boob and vaginas, so naturally it's time for constant botches.
Did the match have a ton of botches? No idea. I was eating peach rings and vibing. Didn't see nothin'. Mothafuckin' glorified bathroom break. Keep women in the KITCHEN, damn it! That's where I am! I'm eatin'!
Eddie Kingston vs. CM Punk
CM Punk is all business tonight. He didn't even stop on the ramp to do his "IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME" thing. Does this mean it's not clobberin' time!? Damn.
I truly believe Eddie Kingston could be the Steve Austin of his era. I've never seen someone organically get the crowd support that he has .Keep in mind he was brought in as a one-off challenger for the TNT title to pop the indy marks, but he's quickly becoming the most over dude in AEW. That's pretty cool. I remember watching him take on Bryan Danielson in Chikara many years ago and I thought "wow that guy's out of shape." But look at him now! He's uh... well, he's still out of shape. But it works for him.
So naturally, Kingston loses to keep CM Punk's momentum going. Fuck this company.
The Inner Circle vs. American Top Team & Men Of The Year
Dan Lambert is wearing a velvet body suit and he looks like Brian Zane's grandfather.
When Chris Jericho gets sick and needs meds for his mental problems, he takes Judicine.
...yeah, I dunno, man.
Oh fuck! Jay Lethal is here! And he's got the Macho Man music! If this motherfucker isn't doing Black Machismo by December I'm going to eat my TV.
"Hangman" Adam Page vs. Kenny Omega
AEW World Heavyweight Championship
Cowboy man wins belt. Cowboys are gross and horses shit everywhere. Who gives a fuck? Nobody reads this site. What am I doing? Actual recaps of events? Like I'm a fucking news outlet? What the fuck is the point? Why even bother? Go watch the show and then shit in your own hand and eat it.
I'm yelling at nobody. This rules.