AEW Holiday Bash

Posted: December 23rd, 2021

You know it's all about watching a TV show and typing at the same time!

...M... Majin Tween, bay bay.

._.

Orange Cassidy vs. Adam Cole

We kick off tonight's AEW action with the lazy manlet who hasn't had an ounce of character development in his entire career taking on Orange Cassidy.

YOU KNOW IT'S ALL ABOUT THE POCKETS.

Adam Cole is smaller than his girlfriend Britt Baker, so what the fuck. She should dump him for me.

Speaking of girlfriends in this match, is Orange Cassidy touching Kris Statlander's alien butt? I've been wondering about that.

Sorry, I'm a little drunk. You know it's all about the booze.

Kyle O'Reilly showed up at the end and they're playing the whole "BAH GAWD IT'S THE UNDISPUTED ERA (BUT WE CAN'T CALL IT THAT)." I don't watch WWE so I haven't really seen them, but I can honestly say Kyle O'Reilly throws the absolute worst punches I have ever seen in my life.

I'm disputing it. That's right. This era is being disputed.

BOOM!

We get Tony Schiavonne in a gay little sweater interviewing Adam Page. The cowboy man. Beer drinkin', anxiety havin', sad bastard ass cowboy.

Dickbutt Danielson comes out and rips on Page for not beating him in 60 minutes, and says the next match should have judges. Like America's Next Top Model, except way gayer. Page drops references to the B+ Player insult, does the "yes" thing (he said yes) and Danielson said he was all hurt and stuff because he was having sex with a Bella Twin and sprained his penis or whatever.

"Mr. Mayhem" Wardlow vs. "Captain" Shawn Dean

Wardlow is a large boy and he's going to beat the shit out of "Captain" Shawn Dean, and I'm just here going "WOERDLAOW" repeatedly with Dr. Girlfriend.

Wardlow kills the dude with like 80 powerbombs and then Shawn Spears beats him with a steel chair for a while.

MJF also went off on a rant about CM Punk being a dickhead, but I think everyone already knew that... and that's coming from a fan. Dude's a fuckin' asshole. That's why people like him. Because he's rude to people. Same reason I'm a cultural icon.

Nyla Rose vs. Ruby Soho

It's TBS titty tournament time, toots. Nyla Rose and Vickie Guerrero are here to a deadly quiet. There's a guy holding a sign in the front row that says "Nyla Rose Is That Guy's Dad -->" which is honestly really unnecessary. I don't really understand how there's still bigotry in the world. Who cares what someone's race/sexuality/gender-gimmick/whatever is. The fact that anyone gets caught up in getting upset or riled up about other people's self expression or expression is baffling to me.

She's taking on Ruby Soho.

More like Ruby Sohohoho. Because Christmas.

Hell motherfuckin' yeah.

Ruby won and got hugged by Aubrey Edwards. All you gotta do is get the shit beaten out of you by a 300 pound woman to get a hug from a cutie butt? Hell yeah, man. I'm down for it.

I want Aubrey Edwards to referee my life.

Malakai Black vs. Griff Garrison

Are you ready for some murder!?

He got murdered.

MJFTR vs. Sting, Darby Allin & CM Punk

The boys all got satin jackets, so you know they're the cool guys. But then all other boys got Sting facepaint, and Sting has CM Punk face paint.

It honestly looks cool as fuck.

This was like Sting appreciation night. Kinda like how WWE did Rock Apprecation Night at Survivor Series, except Sting's actually here for his.

...but wait! Sting was represented in face paint, CM Punk was represented in face paint. Who was there to represent Darby? We got Sting's Punk paint, Punk's Sting paint and Darby's Sting paint.

Don't worry, I got this.