AEW All Out

Posted: September 5th, 2021

I love pro wrestling. It's what gave me the idea to pretend I'm playing a character so I can get away with saying whatever I want and have a cancellation-writeoff. Use a gimmicky name, say what you feel, get away with it.

That's pro wrestling, bitch. I run this industry. Suck it.

I just rolled out of the shower in time for the AEW All Out pre-show. Jammin' to The Pixies and taking in the sheer amount of talent that assembled these ice cream sandwiches I'm eating.

Orange Cassidy is not impressed by the Matt Hardy "Delete!" chants, and neither am I. Go back to having no personality. That's the way wrestling should be. Idiot.

We got to see what we call the TNA Spot, where forty guys lock in submissions on each other and the crowd chants "TNA! TNA! TNA!"

God I miss TNA. I love AEW but fuck me right in the heart I want TNA back.

The opening match with the Jungle Friends, the Best Friends, the Highlighter Friends and Matt Hardy's Token Black Friends was really fun and good.

Miro is here to redeem Eddie Kingston's nuts. So that's cool.

I love both of these guys, but I wanna see Eddie Kingston win. He surely deserves it.

Wait, that's too positive for Smarkitude. I meant uh... redeem... these coupons... uh. Fuck. I don't have it.

I could never be a pro wrestler. My tummy hurts from eating too much ice cream and I just know my opponent would exploit it.

And he loses because the referee with no real name is a real son of a bitch.

At least we got Moxley vs. Kojima up next, with Kojima about to get heat from Taz for wearing black and orange.

And holy fuck. Minoru Suzuki is here. Probably one of the coolest dudes in Japanese wrestling ever.

The Britt Baker / alien lady match was pretty good too.

And now we have Telemundo rappers spittin' bars that I don't understand because I don't speak goddamn Taco Bell.

Ruby Soho is pretty cool. She's all covered in tattoos and stuff. If I had a tattoo it'd say like "fuck you!" on my knuckles and I'd hold my fists up at people and they'd be like "oh damn" so they know I mean business.

MJF came out to Jericho's old WWF titantron, which is pretty funny... but wait. Is it the final countdown?

To get prepared for the match between two straight edge stars, Darby Allin and CM Punk, I got drunk.

Because straight edge means I can do intoxicating substances if I want.

This is legit one of the best PPVs I've seen in a long time.

Hearing Tony Schiavonne calling a CM Punk match takes me back to when I made Punk in WCW Mayhem on the PS1 in like 2006. I'm so ahead of my time.

Punk wins, but goddamn if that didn't make Darby look like a million bucks.

...a million bucks to burn!

Bazinga!

Dude if I had a million bucks I'd pee on it. The Joker should have peed on all that money. Pee is cooler than fire.

Wait, what?

Anyway. Fantastic match. Darby Allin rules. CM Punk rules. Sting rules. AEW rules. I love corporation.

I was legit disappointed when the surprise seemed to be Adam Cole returning at the end, but Tony Khan railed cocaine and went full ECW mode and threw Bryan Danielson into the mix at the end. Holy fucking shit. I love this show. I love this company. AEW is fucking awesome. I don't give a fuck. The only thing that sucks is we didn't get Final Countdown but I'll look past it because WRESTLING IS BACK, BITCHES.

I want Tony Khan to have a nice, big bowl of cereal. He deserves it.

Side note: Karl Anderson is a piece of shit. Fuck that talentless asshole.