IMPACT Bound For Glory XVII

Posted: October 24th, 2021

I'm semi-bothered by the fact that Matt Striker just said "we're turning this arena into the Impact Zone!" Because like... I've been a TNA fan since 2005, and the Impact Zone was a place. It was in Orlando, and it's where AEW shoots Dark now. You can't just call every arena you go to the Impact Zone. That's bullshit. ECW didn't call every arena the ECW Arena. It's the name of a FUCKING PLACE.

I'm watching the Bound For Glory pre-show, and we're inducting Awesome Kong into the IMPACT Wrestling Hall of Fame. Very deserved. Watching Kong and Gail Kim's feud in TNA back in the day was like "holy fuck." The women's division in TNA was amazing and I'm forever glad I got to witness that whole thing unfold live from the beginning. A far cry from bra and panties matches in WWE. It was a realization that like, "oh fuck. Maybe women do get to do stuff in the world. Cool."

We get a video package of wrestlers saying to openly talk about mental health, but I dunno. Sounds like some hot garbage to me. Don't buy into it. Most people are dickheads and are just gonna throw it in your face. Celebrities find it easy to tell you that you should open up with your mental health issues because they live in a bubble, but in the real world it'll just turn everyone against you and either make you lose your friends or turn you into a charity case in your friend circles. Literally just bottle that shit up. Grow some balls and move on.

IMPACT Wrestling Digital Media Championship

Jordynn Grace vs. John Skyler vs. Madisyon Rayne vs. Fallah Bahh vs. Crazzy Steve vs. Chelsea Green

Jordynn Grace comes out and I thought it was Scott Steiner. I've never been so disappointed in my life. But apparently this is an intergender championship. Fallah Bahh just sounds like noises I make when I'm too railed on DXM to speak properly.

I don't go for intergender wrestling. There's no believability in it. Men are naturally jacked testosterone monsters hell bent on rape and violence. The idea of women and men fighting each other is literally retarded and the reason police are called to white trash trailers on a regular basis.

Jordynn Grace wins because she's the size of a grown man.

But fuck that noise, because we're live from Las Vegas and we are Bound and Gagged for Glory Holes.

IMPACT Wrestling Women's Tag-Team Championship

The IInspiration vs. Decay

Some whore is singing a song while video of the IIconics IInspiration are shown on the video whoring out with some buff dudes, and then they come out in grannie panty colored gear. It's like the beige bras women with big jugs buy when they just want the utility of a bra with none of the cuteness that should come with it.

Rosemary without all that face paint looks like 90% of my friends in high school.

So the IInspiration comes straight out of WWE and just gets handed the belts. Thanks for your loyalty, Decay. Now go fuck yourselves.

Deonna Purrazzo just said she wants to break both of Mickie James' arms. So that's fun.

El Phantasmo vs. Steve Maclin vs. Trey Miguel

Phantasmo just crumpled up a fan's sign and punted it back into the crowd. That rules so hard. Fuck that guy who made that sign.

They showed Miguel's nameplate during Maclin's entrance and then quickly got it off screen and put up the right one, which is also hilarious. We're off to a phenomnenal start.

Anyway. Gauntlet time.

Call Your Shot Gauntlet

The gauntlet opens with Chris Sabin and Rocky Romero, who are gonna tear the house down by doing flippy moves at each other until the other one passes way peacefully in their sleep.

And you know what? Nobody in this match matters except for THE MOTHERFUCKING KISS DEMON.

FUCK THE REST OF THIS SHOW. KISS. FUCKING. DEMON.