Spears and Swords

Posted: August 2nd, 2021

What a time to be a wrestling fan.

WWE has ejected Bray Wyatt from their roster (and the crowd in Chicago is chanting "WE WANT WYATT!"). AEW might be picking up CM Punk (and the crowd at RAW is chanting "CM PUNK!"), and they might get Daniel Bryan too. (several audience members were asked if they wanted something to eat before they left for the show. They said "yes!")

We open the show with MVP and Bobby Lashley calling Goldberg a hook-dicked puppy fucker. Naturally, he takes exception to this and comes down to the ring. It's like I'm watching 1999 WCW merge with 2005 WWE, which sounds cool, except this sucks ass. Oh well, at least we got to see Goldberg spear the everloving fuck out of MVP.

"Don't talk to me or my son ever again!"

After that, we got Drew McIntyre taking on Gender Myballs' flunkies whose names I'm not going to bother to learn since I don't forsee them doing anything that matters ever in their lives. What is notable though, is that Drew McIntyre is carring around a giant sword.

Yeah. Holy fuck. This gives me flashbacks to Paul Burchill.

I would be ecstatic if McIntyre used this as a weapon in a match. Fuck it. TNA had Janice, that big chunk of wood with nails in it. Why not this?

Most people don't matter. We could totally kill them on TV and it would be fine.

But thinking about Paul Burchill makes me think about Katie Lee Burchill.

Insert "Winter is coming" joke here.

And it's Twofer Tuesday it seems, because now we've got another one of my wrestling faves: Rhea Ripley.

And she left Nia Jax looking like this:

How it feels to chew Five gum.

Or listen to Five.

And then there were midcard matches, and I ate a bowl of spaghettios because WWE's midcard is borderline unwatchable.

Charlotte Flair shows up to talk about how cool she is. It's like the Bart Simpson thing.

Nikki A.S.H. (which stands for Ass Stained Hoochie) belts her from behind with a steel chair, because that's what superheroes do: blindside people and assault them. That's a good message for the children.

Remember when Superman pissed in Lex Luthor's eyes?

That was a good issue.

It's been a long time since I've watched WWE, and now Tamina Snuka... oh, I'm sorry. Just Tamina. They used to jerk off how Tamina was the daughter of Jimmy "SOOOPAHFLY" Snooker but then he got in trub trubs for being a crackhead hooker killer (shoutout to NewLegacyInc) and now she's just Tamina. So whatever. What was my point? Oh yeah. She's fighting a girl named Doudrop. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore.

Apparently Tamina has both women's tag belts because Natalya isn't here. What's more fascinating... there are women's tag belts? I had no idea.

If it wasn't for this site I wouldn't watch this show. It's legitimately not very good.

...and yes. It sucks that Bray Wyatt was released, but holy fuck I love Alexa Bliss.

Like, are you shitting me? I love her so much. I want her to rip out my larynx.

But then the cool part of the show goes away so we can look at this fake stoner on a scooter.

Like, dude. There's a wellness policy. We know you ain't smokin' shit but ham.

"Kind of reminds me of when I had my pet goldfish. I'd always take him to the beach with me but then I'd lose him. But somehow when I'd go back home, Swim Shady would still be in his fishtank, bro!"

God this show is terrible.

But now we're getting a MizTV segment! And John Morrison is there too!

I remember, I was at a SmackDown! double taping back in 2009 and these two came out and some guy in the crowd said "these guys are so cool." He hated the heels, was outwardly booing all of them, but liked Miz and Morrison. So naturally, do nothing worth a piss with them. Let them flounder in mediocrity. That's fine. It's great. Sell your company to Disney, you cowards. We know it's coming.

Again, I reiterate that I haven't watched WWE in quite a while... so John Morrison keeps talking about dripping and being moist. I don't get it. I mean, when Rhea Ripley was on the sho--- nevermind.

Uh. Anyway. Miz gets sprayed in the face by a large ethnic man. Whatever.

Is this shit over yet? Is this still three hours? I'm going to cry.

RAW is WAR is Hell.

And they just had Karrion Kross lose to Keith "Don't Call Me Bruce" Lee. Isn't he main eventing an NXT PPV against Samoa Joe for the belt? What the fuck are they doing? It's like they're burning this place down on purpose at this point.

At least I can watch Reggie do cool flips.

Of course! How do you think she removed that tumor from her face?