How I Got Into Wrestling

Posted: January 27th, 2022

Some people have said they find it surprising how much of a huge wrestling fan I am. Is it because I'm so cool and stuff? Is it because most wrestling fans are fat, autistic neckbeards? The answer to both of those questions are yes, but it shouldn't come as any surprise.

Back when my conscience clicked on in 1998, my mom was dating a gentlefriend who looked like Kid Rock. It was gross. But he was super into wrestling. His favorite was Stone Cold because he worked at a donut store and wanted to give his boss the stunner or whatever, but he was missing one of his testicles from a knife mugging so he had less testosterone. (true)

Anyway, when I started watching, I became a huge fan of The Rock, The Hardy Boyz and Lita, Mr. Butt (as I had to call him), Kane and others. So I was hooked.

It was the coolest shit in the world: larger than life characters beating the everloving fuck out of each other. It's everything entertainment should be.

The thing about wrestling was it was reliable. I watched WCW, WWF, ECW (when it was on TNN), I didn't care. I just loved it. It was so cool. It was like Street Fighter in real life, and it utterly warped my world view. To this day, I view everyone as a character. You have a gimmick, a look, catchphrases, backstory, etc. The ones who don't are background characters. Which one would you rather be?

Think about this. You love fiction, no? You maybe like pro wrestling, or cartoons, or video games, or whatever. Why wouldn't you want to live in that world instead of this one? Treat every morning like your episode just started and you're headed out on an adventure. Your own little personal world has it's own local characters and universe. Then, there's others just like it all around the world... some better than others, just like there are some TV shows that are better than others. But you're in a ratings war, kid. You gotta make your life be the grandest one ever. Shit, you even have your own soundtrack with all the music you listen to.

Then there's the internet, which is basically the Super Smash Bros. of it all. There's this one hugely connected universe with little subcultural pockets you tuck yourself into and build THAT universe too and you have whatever your online gimmick is there too. Maybe it's the same as your real life, maybe it's not. But that's how I look at everything. Like with how you dress IRL dictating how your daily character is presented, you also have stuff like your username/avatar/typing style that puts together your online character. Social media is really just a semi-text based MMORPG where everyone's in a constant battle to level up their stats (followers/subscribers/etc) in a neverending game of trying to rise to the top.

Same game corporations play. Their universe is a bunch of guys in suits with shameful interests and behaviors they'd rather not address. But above all else, they care about money and power. How much money do they need? All of it. Because it ceases to be about having money to live, support your family, etc. It ends up becoming an endless numbers game of constantly trying to level up. Every time a corporate asshole in a suit makes a million dollars, it's like when you level up a Squirtle in battle. That's all it is. But it's at the cost of innocent people's health, well-being, etc. That's why you live in poverty and that affects your story and universe negatively, while theirs gets to thrive because they've manipulated most of the population into being docile, submissive and breedable.

They're fucking you in the ass, dude. They're not using any lube and they're fucking your asshole until the floor under you looks like a chocolate vanilla swirl with melted cherries in it.

But yeah, that's why I like wrestling.