Extreme Championship Wrestling

Barely Legal

  • Date: January 4th, 2021
  • Original Air Date: April 13th, 1997



  • Is it time for Smarkitude to bring Human Raccoon into the ECW arena?

    Bingo!

    Let's do a quick recap of ECW's history that got them to their Barely Legal pay-per-view.

    Wrestling used to be like watching Street Fighter: The TV Series. ECW said "NO! WRESTLING IS A SPORT! DNRHJRULKDSHJG" and then decided that that meant everyone needed to hit each other with dildos and chainsaws, because that means it's a real sport.

    So they got plans to run their own pay-per-view event for the first time ever, but then New Jack sliced a child's forehead open in front of a crowd of people (literally) and the pay-per-view companies were like "fuck you." But fans of ECW whined and spammed them until they said "holy shit alright fine" and let the event go on.

    Vince McMahon decided that he liked Paul Heyman's work ethic, and didn't think it was right that he was the only unsuccessful Jewish man in the entertainment industry. So Vince decided to help produce the event by lending WWF television equipment to them to use for the broadcast.

    But the ECW arena is a rat infested shithole, and you don't really need higher quality cameras picking this up.

    It's like using a 4K HD camera to record fat people shitting.

    Before the show, Paul Heyman gave a big speech (which was shown in the documentary Beyond The Mat). He's such a wordsmith. Even I want to go gouge my wrists with a screwdriver in front of a bunch of drunken hillbillies so they can chant the name of the company I work for instead of mine.

    As the PPV comes on the air, Joey Styles is in the ring screaming at the audience to get them riled up. You see, wrestling fans are like dogs locked in cars. You can just walk up to the window like Bam Margera in CKY and antagonize them and they'll go fucking ape shit.

    But before Joey can fully attention whore, The Dudley Boyz come out and push him into a locker. How did a locker get in the ring? I don't know. I didn't put it there.

    Also as the show came on, you could hear them fucking with the audio and the producer saying "it's not on!" before they fix it.

    The Dudley Boyz vs. The Eliminators

    John Kronus and Perry Saturn are wearing matching shiny pink panties, which is pretty cool. Between that and wearing dresses in WCW, Perry Saturn is like the alpha femboy.

    For some reason Kronus screams "ASS, BABY, ASS!" at the camera. But you know what? It rules.

    ASS, BABY, ASS!

    I literally never cared more about either of these two more than I do now. This such a unique combination of coke ideas.

    Bubba Ray wound up taking a standing leg drop to the face that looked so stiff I'm pretty sure it fixed his stutter.

    This match was just these guys hitting moves, immediately standing up and then doing more moves. The fans ate it up like Hilary Duff ate her own placenta up.

    ...and yes, that's true. Look it up.

    Joel "I Squirt In Her" Gertner starts doing his poetry shtick which ends in him getting annihilated with a T O T A L E L I M I N A T I O N.

    Lance Storm vs. Rob Van Dam

    Let's talk about Lance Storm's hair.

    Fuck.

    This match was originally supposed to be Chris Candido vs. Lance Storm, but Candido got injured and was replaced with Rob Van Dam. This upset RVD so much that he cut a promo afterwards saying he wants to go to WCW, and he called The Beatles "overrated."

    The crowd here at the Abbey Road Civic Center were livid.

    The match was pretty solid, except for Lance Storm's god awful chair shot that was so weak even Hulk Hogan would tell him to put some stank on it.

    The fans boo the shit out of it, because they want Rob Van Dam to get CTE.

    And I do too.

    bWo Japan vs. The Other Fellas

    I didn't catch the names of the team bWo Japan was going against, so I'll just call them "Hey You."

    This match is courtesy of Michinoku Pro in Japan, and features one guy dressed like it's motherfucking Christmas.

    Christmas was like a week ago. I should have reviewed this then. God damn it.

    This is your typical AEW match. It's alright. (cuz I'm saved by the bell.

    Shane Douglas vs. Pitbull #2

    This is a tale of revenge. About a man who wronged another man so awfully that he almost lost his career.

    But who gives a shit? I'm looking at Francine.

    Shane Douglas cuts a promo about everyone from other federations being pussies because they won't answer his challenges. Or they're not contractually allowed to, nor would they want to because wrestling isn't real.

    What a goober.

    If it wasn't for getting to stare at Francine like a complete stalker, this match would have no redeeming factors. It's two guys who suck, sucking together.

    Stevie Richards is backstage after this horse shit, cutting a promo about how he's done being a comedy guy... as he's still wearing daisy dukes with a half shirt with a parody logo on it. This company is fucking retarded.

    Sabu vs. Taz

    This match is probably one of the most significant in ECW history. They whored the shit out of this before, during and after it happened.

    This wouldn't be so bad if this match were actually good.

    These two are supposed to hate each other, yet they're not pulling out knives and stabbing each other. This is horse shit.

    Terry Funk vs. Stevie Richards vs. The Sandman / Terry Funk vs. Raven (ECW Championship)

    Tommy Dreamer and Beulah are on commentary for this one, which is hilarious because Tommy Dreamer has the mic skills of a pomegranate.

    The Sandman doesn't look a day over 240lbs.

    I always root for Terry Funk because he sent me a t-shirt once.

    (My Twitter handle isn't @Sarah_Belmont anymore.)

    The number one thing to note about this match is that they freaked the fuck out towards the end because they were running out of time before all their shit blew up and the PPV ended whether they were ready for it to or not.

    This is seriously just "let's beat the shit out of this old man" for an uncomfortable amount of time. But after shit like Big Dick Dudley getting powerbombed off a scaffolding through tables, some girl showing up and hitting a botched Batista Bomb on Funk, and all kinds of gorey awful shit, Funk wins and he's the new ECW Champion.

    Afterwards, for some reason, Terry Funk wipes his face on Tommy Dreamer's face and gets it all bloody. It was really bizarre.

    Overall, this show is extremely important in the history of ECW, but it's not even close to one of their best shows. If this show had been as good as ECW One Night Stand, that might have been a lot more interesting.

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