Date: August 9th, 2021

This ain't the rock 'n' roll hall of fame, but this girl listens to rock and roll... and uh... this is a hall of fame. I guess. I dunno.

Nuts in a Blender, am I right?

Growing up, I had cable but I avoided the living room like it was made of radioactive lava knife-shooting shotguns because that's where people were. So I didn't catch the 2005 Diva Search when it was going on.

Between the PS1 wrestling games I was playing and the wrestling TV I was watching, SmackDown was a staple of Staticana. (that's Americana but with Static beca--- oh fuck it. It sucked. You're right. Marketing is hard. How do I trick you into liking me?)

The point is: I first saw Ashley Massaro when she debuted in WWE on SmackDown. It's TV that's changing Friday nights, Maggle.

So a literal Bratz doll walks out on the show and I removed the big piece of twine from my lips and screeched "what in fucknation!?" Then I jumped up and down like a semi-retarded chimpanzee, chanting "adingadangadooo!" and banging two horse shoes together while five guys behind me shoot pistols into the air and scream "yeehawwwwww!!!"

Like, are you fucking kidding me? This bitch is the coolest ever. I'm a fully grown adult and I still think she's cool as shit. Granted I've been 8thGradeCore and Edgypilled the entire time, but still. I'm talkin' longetivity, son. Ashley Massaro is next level. She's like if MySpace were a person.

Was she a good wrestler? Nope. Not even kinda. I watched WrestleMania 23 live, eagerly awaiting seeing her, and they stunk up the place. But she's totally cute and spunky with a can-do attitude. That's right.

Ashley Massaro: welcome to the Hall of Spunk.

Jesus Christ. Do not call it that.

I can do wahtever I want I'm 46.

No you're not. Stop lying to your readers.

Look, if I wanna be a girlboss I gotta learn to gatekeep and gaslight. That's just like, the rules of feminism.