Date: September 22nd, 2021

ELVIRA LIKES LADIES. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING DRILL.

EAT SHIT, BRAINWASHED CULT OF HETEROSEXUALITY.

STRAIGHT PEOPLE BTFO.

I fucking love Elvira. It came out in her book called "Yours Cruelly, Elvira" that she's had a girlfriend for 19 scissor-filled years. That's beautiful. I wanna watch.

Anyway. Now seems like a perfect time to induct Elvira into the Spunky With A Can-Do Attitude Hall of Fame.

Now, Elvira isn't someone I've ever tried to emulate. She's fuckin' stacked, bro. I've got that Emanuel Lewis shit going on so I don't get to have that ever, but goddamn do I love the bitches who can. And nobody did Goth Bimbocore better than Elvira. She's the OG. I love her.

She's someone who comes to mind when I hear shit like "women can't be funny" or "there are no good female comedians." Her movies are really fun, she's a great host and her improv skills are killer. She's funnier than some of the all-time heralded male comedians. Like, what. You like Richard Pryor? You like "white people be like ____, but black folks? We be like ____." Sorry, I hate when comedians use crutches. I actually hate all disabled people.

We have an Elvira towel hanging up, so I get to see this beautiful bitch every mothafudgin' day. And I mean, for fuck sake. Elvira's even engrained in wrestling lore: she hosted WCW stuff!

What a presence. I want her to narrate my life. I want a Chobit that looks and sounds like her.

If only I had tried to hook up with her 19 years ago. I could have had a shot. God damn it.

You were a child.

A charismatic child!

Anyway. The point is: Elvira should be one of your heroes. Why? Because she is spunky with a can-do attitude!