Font Size: [XS] [S] [M] [L] [XL] [XXL] :: Explicit Content! 18+



Date: June 21st, 2019

Written by: Raccoon

Despite being outspokenly against smart phones, today I was given one. Before I chuck it out the window I figured I would review it.


The iPhone 4 sucks. Even when it was relevant and "supposed to work", you still need dumb shit like iTunes to put your music on it. The phone forces you to have the Facebook and Twitter apps because they're just a bunch of millionaires and billionaires in a big money orgy of brainwashing the public, sticking apps in their face that turn on their phone mics to listen to them and steal their ideas and put them on TV.

(I've proven that these phones listen to your words so they can tailor ads to you, and so have other people. and the fact that I rooted a phone to require permissions and I saw my browser randomly try to get access to my microphone to listen to me. Not kidding. Destroy your smart phones.)

The iTunes store can go fuck itself because I have a music collection it doesn't let me put on without iTunes. Somehow Apple managed to be so corporate that they fucked up basic mp3 player functionality.


I can set alarms on the iPhone, but I can also set alarms on the Nickelodeon clock we have and it plays the Nickelodeon theme song and that's way cooler.

The iPhone has a built in compass, but if I'm lost in the middle of the deep woods without a real compass I probably deserve to be eaten by bears.


My 20 year old Casio Cassiopeia BE-300 from 2001 kicks this thing's ass and I'll prove it.

First thing: The Cassiopeia doesn't spy on you. That should be enough for you to ditch your iPhone and order a palm pilot on Amazon... but I know it's not, because you're all so fucking thickheaded and deep into the analprobing these corporations have stuck you in that you're not willing to part with your portable wiretap.

The calculator on the iPhone can do way more math stuff than the Cassopeia. But guess what?

Cassopeia wins.


Both calendars do the same stuff. Both alert you of when stuff is happening. The iPhone can sound an alarm, but since I can't get my music on there in the first place it basically can't do anything that matters. Apple sucks. Cassiopeia wins again.

I don't have the camera add-on for the Cassiopeia, but think about how much more I'll appreciate it when I have it? Cassiopeia wins.


I'm able to write notes on both. Both use touch keyboards and are stylus-compatible. The iPhone has spellcheck and the Cassiopeia doesn't, but guess what?