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iPod Nano


Technology :: Tech Checkup :: Date: August 26th, 2019

Written by: Raccoon


Back when I was a fucking idiot, I wanted an iPod. I had a 1gb mp3 player, but that couldn't store EVERY weird music remix I found on MySpace. So I needed more space... and that more space came at Christmas '09 when I got my baby blue 8gb iPod nano.


If you still own an iPod from back in the way back and it actually works, I'm amazed. You must wrap this thing in bubble wrap before bed every night because these flimsy pieces of shit are built to break because Steve Jobs was a cunt and I'm glad he's dead.

First of all, you have to use iTunes to put music on it. That's fucking horse shit. On every other mp3 player I've ever owned you simply had to drag the .mp3s over, but this is Apple and they think they're the government and can tell me how to party. But I discovered a program called MediaMonkey that let me sync music to it without iTunes, so suck it you dead fuck.

So I'd use this thing to listen to Enter Sandman after school every day and everything was alright. Played Ice Cube's Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It and Eminem's Brain Damage pretty well. I had no complaints. I could even put .jpgs of girls in their underwear on it. The world was my burrito. But then my device randomly disappeared. For two straight years.

I randomly found it one day inside a X-Games Lego Snowboarding box that I never touched because I was in my late teens and didn't give a shit. I was fucking ecstatic to have it back... but it wouldn't turn on anymore. The battery was dead and wouldn't even charge.

Yes. Merely sitting in a box for two years was enough to break this piece of garbage.

Fuck the iPod. Buy a Phillips GoGear Raga.

Final Diagnosis


I have to diagnose the iPod as Terminally Ill. I mean, this thing was on it's death bed before I even took it out of the box. If this thing was a person, it'd be one of those people with tumors in their cocks.

Don't buy any Apple product. Hell, don't even buy the fruit. You'll probably break a tooth or something.

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