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Mary-Kate and Ashley's Pocket Planner

avatarraccoon

Date: September 21st, 2019

Written by: Raccoon

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Let me just spoil this by saying that I want to love Mary-Kate and Ashley's Pocket Planner. I am going into this with 100% bias because I hate iWiretaps (aka smart phones), love palm pilots and would die for the Olsen Twins.

I installed the ROM on my 3DS (which you can see a video of in this Daily Feed video. I've been carrying it around for about a week, using it as well as I can.

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There's an opening ceremony of sorts where you can fill out some information about yourself. Your name, your birthday, your address, your social security number, a list of your fears, your butthole circumference. It's all here.

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It has a calendar, where you can set events that are coming up. But it doesn't list them in a daily agenda fashion. They just throw all that shit on screen and it doesn't even go away when the day has expired. It's kind of shitty programming and really hurts like 90% of what I wanted to use it for. For that reason alone I say it's not technically worth using as your personal organizer, but let's explore deeper to find some alternative uses.

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For one, it has a To Do list feature that I actually do use. I have a list of all the planned updates on this webzine that I'm gonna do. It's a neat little place to keep track of that kinda stuff. So I do use this on a daily basis, and in fact have it sitting turned on, on the charging dock on my desk right now.

The only reason I'm not using the original Gameboy Color for this is that the battery inside the cartidge died and it won't hold a charge. I do plan on replacing it at some point, but haven't gotten around to it yet.

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It also has a feature called G-Mail... which is ironic, but what's cool is that you can beam messages to other people who have Mary-Kate and Ashley's Pocket Planner. So you have to have a friend who ALSO has this game, a link cable and connect them. At that point, you might as well just tell them to their face. It's no Pictochat.

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You can store a list of your friends, which is pretty cool. You can store their phone number, address, birthday, etc. I do use that feature too because I'm terrible at remembering my friend's birthdays.

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It has a built in stop watch, a phone dialer (so you can play the tones of a phone and have it call if you hold it up to a reciever. I haven't tested it but I can't imagine it works, considering it's doing 8 bit renditions and not the actual tones. I could be wrong, but I don't know. Even if it does work... who the fuck needs that? Yeah, it's cool. But like... just dial the phone. Jesus.)

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It has some built in "fun stuff." You can earn 8-bit pictures of the Olsens by obtaining points, and then print them off using the Gameboy Printer. Note to self, come back to this article and do that.

It has a horoscope-like feature. It doesn't tell you your horoscope, but it tells you what signs you're most likely to get along with. I'm a Pisces, but I think it's incorrecct because I don't get along with anyone. I hate everyone. But it insists there are people I would like. Incorrect and untrue.

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It has a virtual pet of Clue, their dog from their Mystery tapes. I didn't feed my Nintendog and I'm not about to feed this fucker either.

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Most intriguing, perhaps, is the "Ask Ashley" feature. It's like a magic 8 ball. It's great if you're looking to answer some of life's hardest questions.

Dear Ashley, should I tell the police my uncle blew a load on my face in my sleep?

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Guess I have a use for that phone dialer after all!

It also has a crush scanner. You just aim the device at someone, press the button and it tells you how right they are for you.

Let's try it with Miley Cyrus.

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Wow! I should date a feminist retard!? I'm in!

But this is on the Game Boy, so we've got some games!... boy.

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There's a card matching game, a slide puzzle, a slots machine and a rip off of Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em.

I'll say, as much as I really wanted to love this... I don't. It's charming as fuck but it's not practical to actually use. You'd be better off getting an actual palm pilot.

Better yet, it's time to develop a new device. A physical Mary-Kate and Ashley's Pocket Planner. One that doesn't suck ass, but still has Mary-Kate and Ashley dripping throughout it. Come on, tech wizards. Make my dreams come true. Make a Mary-Kate and Ashley Palm Pilot that functions as well as iWiretaps, minus the whole "selling your personal information to corporations" thing.