Written by: Raccoon
Well. We're only two seconds into the second episode of Digimon and they're already falling to their death. That is horse shit. What a way to end the series.
Psyche! They get caught by their Digifriends and saved! Hooray! Children dying would be kind of a depressing way to kick this off.
This tentacle hentai reject successfully Spider-Man's Mimi back to safety by latching onto this underdetailed rock and swinging to safety. Once again the day is saved thanks to animation shortcuts!
The rest of them land on some fish or some shit and get swam away. This is hectic as fuck. I wouldn't want to sit on fish. Your ass would smell like vagina.
They're temporarily stoked, until Kuwagamon shows up all pissed off. But long story short, they get away from him and flush to safety. Everything's alright.
Well, except for the whole "there's a mass shooting every day" thing, but this is a Japanese cartoon so they're not really hip to that.
We're introduced to the concept of Digivolving, which is basically speed-steroids for virtual pets. It's explained that Digimon need their Digihumans to Digivolve.
Izzy asks, "But how do you access my enegy?" Tentomon says "Even we don't know everything!", which is the most genius way to avoid having to come up with an answer to that question.
They decide they need to get the fuck away from Kuwagamon, but they're not sure where to go. These chucklefucks don't even have a compass. Like, come the fuck on. Who falls into a vortex to another dimension without a compass? This is basic shit.
During their walk through the Digital World, they hear a phone ringing. I get anxiety because I assume it's my bosses trying to call me into work, but it's actually a payphone in the Digital World! Well I'll be a son of a bitch!
Once they get to the phones they stop ringing. Ain't that always how it goes? Like when you walk over to your video game, go to hit the start button and then the demo kicks on and you gotta wait through two sets of loading screens. Life is a cruel whore sometimes.
Izzy offers Tai his phone card, saying that the aliens who put these phones here can "bill him later." What a fucking idiot.
They try to dial, but an operator's voice says that these numbers only exist in their imagination and that it's going to rain ice cream cones tomorrow. I guess Tai's DMT hasn't wore off yet.
I just realized we didn't get the theme song at any point and the show's half over. I'm irate. I love that song.
All of these kids start talking about the dumb shit they have in their pockets, when Mimi pulls out a compass.
Are you shitting me, bitch?
Everyone's fucking irate. Shit is being thrown. Gloves off. Hands are being got. They ask why in the fuck she didn't say something sooner, and I swear to Christ this bitch says "I thought it would be more fun to see how far we could get without it."
You absolute selfish bitch. Do you have any fucking idea what you've done? Children are risking starvation. You all have almost died like five times. But you're in it for fun!? Are you a fucking retard? What in the absolute fuck is your goddamn malfunction? That is inexcususable.
Imagine if you were lost in the woods and some bitch pulled this shit. A bear is eating your face while a hyena rapes your severed ass and she's just crying, saying "I thought it would be fun!"
Fucking stupid bitch. Jesus Christ.
They find out that Joe has been bogarting the food bag like a douche. They calculate it out and find out that they have enough food for three days... but who knows. Maybe Mimi has an entire cheese pizza stuffed up her cunt. You know, to keep things interesting.
Water starts shooting up out of the ground and destroys the phone booths. It's motherfucking Shellmon! Fuck! Son of a bitch!
He's basically a clam with a butthole for a mouth. It's fucking disgusting.
...o--oh. Nevermind. He's Agumon in a shell.
The Digimon find that they've lost their abilities just like in Spider-Man 2 and take turns getting the absolute shit beaten out of them by this thing. It's hilarious. It's because none of them ate. Same thing happens to me. I don't have an eating disorder, I just get busy and forget to eat because I'm an idiot.
But then... shit hits the fan. Why? Well, read the episode title you dumb idiot. Agumon digivolves to Greymon!
And you know that's true because he literally screamed "Agumon digivolves to Greymon!"
This is some Godzilla shit.
And just like that, Shellmon gets fucking murdered live on Fox Kids.
He's fucking dead. Jesus Christ.
HE'S FUCKING DEAD.