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Fastlane

Date: March 25th, 2019

Fastlane is a show about young undercover cops who have sex a lot. This show was cancelled--- not because it was bad, but because it was just too fuckin' expensive. That's how you know this show is the shit. Fast cars. Fast women. Fast budget. Hell yeah.

I actually saw this show a little bit back when it reaired on G4TV. There was a really hot stripper on it that made me realize that sluts should be respected. And I never looked back.

We open with a C O O L G U Y drivin' fast, with a hot girl pointing a gun at his face. Hell yeah. That's the way to live!

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She asks if he's a cop, and then when he doesn't she starts rubbing around on his penis area. We find out two hours ago that his partner shoved a microphone in his butthole.

After overhearing White Cop's undercover shenanigans, Black Cop points a gun at his head and screams at him for disparaging the good name of his dead brother because he's a mark and doesn't know what "bullshitting in order to make progress" is.

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Luckily, Kelly Kapowski does. We've got a good trio going here.

They wind up visiting a Redneck Square Dance Bar, where they treat him like Bart in Blazing Saddles. But when they find out that homeboy's got some sick moves they start treating him with respect.

This show has a lot of heterosexual intercourse. I don't know if it has anything to do with the story, but the story isn't important when heterosexuals need to fuck.

A bunch of hockey-mask clad criminals break into a party, to which a criminal man known as Aquarius promises to "reincarnate as a pair of plyers and rip off (their) nutsack."

Brutal.

Episode #2

Girls Own Juice

I don't know if Girls Own Juice but girls certainly sell plenty of it.

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In this episode, Van and Deaq wind up arguing over who's gonna drive the cool looking car while Kelly rubs her vagina against the hood of a car while wiping it down.

They try to stop a gang of motorcycle robbers who totally fuck up their entire car. Deaq says "We gotta get those guys..." but Van notices that one of them has a slutty lower back tattoo and a pink thong. He says "...those aren't guys..."

Hey, you never know.

There's some pretty pretty guys out there.

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All kidding aside, this is the exact same plot of the movie Taxi. Which is interesting, because that movie had Queen Latifah in it, who was a guest star on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Meanwhile, one of the criminal girls on this episode is Ashley Banks! Talk about coming full circle!

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Van winds up going out on dates with criminal lady, who held a knife to his throat and threatened to kill him. She said "I once killed a guy who tried to kiss me." So naturally he tries to kiss her.

Live fast, die hard.

Episode 3

Gone Native

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There's another undercover cop who's causing a lot of problems for them. Even wound up blowing their sting operation and blowing their car up with a fucking grenade launcher (which is the most first-person shooter thing we've ever seen.)

They wind up hiding underneath his bed while he does the fuck with his lady friend. The whole episode is basically exploring the fact that this undercover cop fell in love with the girl who he was bullshitting and now doesn't want to give up the lie.

It reminds me of the ancient story of Hannah Montana: the girl who lived a double life as a pop-star and a real girl.

He gets shot in the chest. Downer.

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Episode 4

Things Done Changed

Things done changed, yes they did. Deaq has a girl who's a friend, but she's not his girlfriend. That's the struggle, yo.

I mean... that's the whole fucking plot. No joke.

Well, that and the fact that the girl is in an abusive relationship where the man doesn't respect her, but that's the fate of all who subscribe to the brainwashed cult of heterosexuality.

Episode 5

Ryde or Die

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Biz Markie is in this episode. On a related note, I thought he did Hard Knock Life but it turns out that Jay-Z did that song.

I don't know how I got those two confused. Maybe because they both suck.

Episode 6

Ray Ray

Suave Boy is in jail. Wearin' a wifebeater. Rap is playin'. Barbed wire lines the fences. Damn, son. It ain't easy bein' a white guy in America.

He's not in jail, though. Well. He's in jail, but he's not like... forced to be there. He's visiting. He's visiting his dad.

The best part of this episode is this dude killed an old man with a golf club, so Van's dad stabbed him in the penis with a knife and twisted it until he got what he wanted.

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Episode 7

Wet

Van winds up pretending to be an alcoholic to figure out who this murderous whore walking around in lingerie, killing thugs is. She's my kind of lady.

This show's really not bad at all. If only they could have stopped blowing up cars and signing A-list celebrities to cameo in it, maybe it could have lasted.

This show had Paul Heyman level financial strategies.

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Episode 8

Mighty Blue

"Men like spunk." - Kelly Kapowski

This cute girl winds up getting her fucking throat slit by a criminal in her own house. Which sucks because she had a great fashion sense. Why can't you slit the throat of all those fat fucks who wear sweatpants in public!? Fiend! Fuck you!

Episode 9

Get Your Mack On

While investigating prostitution, Van ends up stuck in a tree with a dog barking at him. Deac tells him to pee in the dog's face to make him fuck off. He actually does it before finding out that Deac just made it up. But hey, it worked. Peeing in people's face works!

Episode 10

Dogtown

I swear to God, this episode has them going through this massive druglord storyline... but it's about weed. What the fuck kind of executive meddling is this?

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Episode 11

Strap On

This is an episode called "Strap On" that opened with a warning of explicit sexual content. Are we going to witness the use of a strap-on?

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Short answer: no.

But Jamie Pressley's in this episode and I have a major crush on her. I'd let her---

Nevermind.

The explicit content warning is because there's lesbianism in the episode. As if lesbianism shouldn't be mandated by law.

I also really love the kayfabe of this. A lesbian bar where all the women are attractive? As if. Those places are filled with butch dykes who reak like rotten sphincter.

...and look, we're only technically halway through the series--- but every episode is like this. There's not that much more to say. The one interesting thing to note is that the series ended on a cliffhanger: Kelly Kapowski is injected with heroin against her own will. How would that have played out? I guess we'll never know because this show got cancelled due to it's high budget. A shame because it's actually really good.

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