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Fifteen / Hillside

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Television ยป Quick Looks :: Date: August 6th, 2019

Written by: Raccoon

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I've watched a little bit of Fifteen in the past, but it wasn't until we were watching it tonight that it really hit me how hilarious this show is.

IF you don't know what it is: Fifteen was a teenage soap opera that aired on Nickelodeon in the early 90s. And the kids on this show are fucking stressed. Everything they say is in these little talk-whispers. Like, holy fuck. They never have a good day. Whether it's one of the kids becoming an alcoholic, girls trying to make other girls jealous by calling their boyfriends on the phone, divorced parents. Like, nobody just comes to school and has a good day and goes home.

Even the kids on Degrassi had good days. There is literally 0% positivity in this entire series. It is amazing how miserable they all are. The only characters that ever express happiness are the two girls who torture everyone and bully them.

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This show may be called Fifteen, but if this girl was truly the star of this show, it would be called Twelve.

She talks so quietly that it's really starting to piss me off. Seriously. Stop FUCKING WHISPERING.

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Then there's this bitch. Everything she says sounds like she shit her pants and you asked her about it. "WhAt!? I didNT shIT my pANts!" Imagine that cadence, but with casual responses like "DyLAN wEnT to WALmaRT!? WhatAjY!?" Annoying feminist bitch. She dresses like shit too. Save the table cloths for your 5th grade teacher you dumb whore.

There's a bunch of dudes on the cast but I don't give a shit about them. The only one who I am a fan of is the alcoholic kid because literally EVERYTHING he says is angry. He is always pissed and freaking out. I am not kidding. He is hilarious.

And of course, the queen cunt of the school is Brooke.

She also has a friend named Kelly who doesn't do much of anything outside of also being a giant bitch.

She's gone by season 2.

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Apparently the kid who played Billy on Fifteen (his name is Ryan Reynolds) has been in a few popular movies lately, so people like to retroactively call him the "star" of the show. But that's bullshit. His character was a little virgin who wouldn't stop asking the bigger kids what boobs feel like. The real star of the show was the blonde girl who always talk whispers.

No adults appear in the series ever, which is probably why drama is running so rampant in this school. There's nobody to flick these kids in the forehead and say "cut the shit." Seriously. It's so fucking dramatic. High school doesn't matter. I didn't even think high school drama mattered in high school. I'd tell people to stop fucking internalizing this shit so much but they wouldn't listen because they're stupid. Now girls I thought were cute stopped being scene/emo. Irritating.

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