Date: March 17th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
Season 1 of Friends is uh... fucked up.
It's my favorite show of all time but season 1 is just so fucking weird that I can't take it sometimes. It was before they really catered the characters to the actors. They didn't have their shit figured out yet.
...okay, it was mainly just Joey. He didn't become retarded until season 2.
So we've established that Monica has poor taste in men... because, well, she likes men and men are universal trainwrecks. But then we meet Phoebe, who mentions that she dated a man named Carl who used to eat chalk.
Chandler's great establishing thing is mentioning that he never gets laid on dates and that he had a dream where he was naked in a cafeteria with a phone for a penis.
We meet Ross, who is devastated because his wife Carol has finally abandoned the brainwashed cult of heterosexuality. I knew when I envisioned this revolution that it would leave behind hurt men and sad feelings... but it's worth it. It'll cure overpopulation since women squishing their vaginas together doesn't make a baby. Every time I see a pregnant lady I get annoyed. Stop having babies. The world's already full of morons. We don't need small morons who can't even feed themselves everywhere too.
We're introduced to Phoebe, who tries to cleanse Ross's aura... much to his dismay! I don't go for that spiritual shit. Moving your fingers in weird ways doesn't cleanse anything.
You actually should just blast piss into their face.
I don't know if it'll cleanse their aura but it sure removes makeup mighty quick.
Ross then says one of the most ominous quotes for the entire series...
"I just want to be married again."
Then, right as he said that, a bride walks right in the door! And she looks suspiciously like that stripper from that movie!
Chandler, upon seeing this amazing coincidence, tries to get God to give him one million dollars. It works, as God deposits the one million dollars into his bank account... which he wisely decides to spend on buying two gigantic studio apartments for his friends.
Rachel the Bride explains that she was in this room where they were keeping all the presents about a half hour before her wedding started. She was looking at a gravy boat when she realized that she was more turned on by the gravy boat than by her soon-to-be husband.
...wait, she wanted to fuck a gravy boat?
...Whatever, I guess. But then she points out that Barry, her former-almost-spouse looks like Mr. Potato Head. Which is fucked up. But Monica points out that she wasn't invited to the wedding... pfft. Some friend this Rachel bitch is.
So we meet up with The Friends, who are watching Telemundo or some shit and trying to guess what the storylines are. This is what people did for entertainment before the Nintendo 64 came out.
While on the phone with her father, Rachel explains that she just wasn't in love with Barry. Her father is like, "bitch. Who gives a fuck?" to which Rachel replies, "me, father. I give several fucks."
"It's like all of my life people have told me... 'you're a shoe! You're a shoe! You're a shoe! You're a shoe! And I thought, what if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse? Or a hat? ...No, I don't want you to buy me a hat! I'm saying I am a ha--- it's a metaphor, daddy!"
Rachel then invites herself to live with Monica, who clearly had no idea she was going to do that.
Girl power, bitch.
The good news (if you're into flagrant heterosexuality) is that Monica finally scored a date with Paul the Wine Guy. Which is a funny coincidence because my nickname is Sarah the Whiny Bitch.
Everyone's hyped as fuck for Paul the Wine Guy. They'd all fuck him if they could. Ross wants his cock.
The Guy Friends have to assemble some furniture at Ross's apartment. While Ross is drinking "Carol's favorite beer", they reveal that she got all the furniture... the house... the stereo... everything Ross owned in the divorce. You know why? Because the government rewards lesbianism.
Paul the Alcoholic tells Monica that ever since his wife divorced him he hasn't been able to get a boner. This causes Monica to spit on his crotch... but not in any way that's appealing to anyone.
I'll spare you the bullshit. They're already teasing that Ross and Rachel are going to get together and rub genitals. If you didn't know that was going to happen, I don't know what rock you were living under but I'm sorry for the spoilers. But yes, they're going to fuck. A lot.
Monica wound up fucking the shit out of Paul the Wine Guy. Rachel says she's smiling so much that she "looks like she slept with a hanger in her mouth."
That's not quite what she had in her mouth.
Monica winds up finding out that Paul used the "I haven't gotten a boner in two years" line on another girl to get her to romp around in the ol' blankets. This makes her frown.
Rachel buys boots with her father's money, so The Friends force her to cut all her credit cards and send her into poverty because she's a whore and deserves a shitty life.
...I think this line was in The Matrix too.