Television » Human Raccoon & Friends :: Date: April 29th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

For those of you who said I don't have any Friends: joke's on you, fuckface! I have 10 seasons to go through.

We open with Monica explaining to The Male Friends how women enjoy The Sex.

They wind up in this asinine diatribe of comparing having sex to going to a concert and there's a comedian. I don't get it. There's nothing funny about fucking. It's disgusting and it's a sin.

Ross is discussing cavemen with a closet lesbian, who purposefully acted out her own relationship problems with the cavemen statues... and speaking of closet lesbians, look who it is! Ross's ex-wife!

If you'll recall from the first episode, Ross's wife abandoned the brainwashed cult of heterosexuality and started engaging in relations with her lady friend. Ross isn't taking it very well.

Before hitting the eject button on straight life, this bitch managed to become pregnant. With a baby. Disgusting.

Time to rev up the ol' abortion machine.

Monica is trying to get her house ready because her parents are on the way. She's having a bitch fit. If Monica's mom keeps stressing her out like this, you're gonna have to give her a call with one of these bad boys:

Because that bitch gon' die.

On top of all this nonsense, Rachel misplaced her engagement ring. God damn it.

They wound up finding it lodged inside the lasagna. Like, what the fuck? Are you trying to kill Garfield!?

Monica's mother is a cunt who talks shit about spaghetti. I'm gonna shove a meatball up her ass if she doesn't step off.

In order to calm their incessant bitching and cruel comments, Monica twists Ross's nipples and makes him confess that he has a lesbian ex-wife who's pregnant with his child. She takes it pretty well.

While The Friends are talking about their parents and Chandler admits that his parents preferred his imaginary friend to him, Ross gets up to take a big shit in the toilet. When he comes back, the lights are off and he's all alone.

Now the show's just called "Friend."

Well, Rachel's here at least. Surely this isn't going to end in some sort of romantic implications.

Rachel's gotta go see Mr. Potato Head tomorrow and give back his engagement ring. You know, the one from the lasagna.

Look at these precious dumpster fillers. So cute.

So Ross is at the Baby Scanner's with his lesbian wife while Rachel is at the dentist with her gay husband.

As it turns out, he went on their honeymoon with Rachel's bridesmaid Mindy. He hates putting stuff in his eye, but is willing to put in contacts for her because she gives deep tonguers to his wiener penis.

The Lesbians have told Ross that the baby won't have his last name, instead it will have the hyphenated last name of Ex-Wife and the lesbian she left Ross for. That's fair. What a bunch of unlikeable cunts.

But the good news? Ross's baby is on TV!

And much like everyone else on TV, he's a brainless, babbling, drooling, easily led fuck.