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The Thumb

avatarmajintween

Television » Human Raccoon & Friends :: Date: July 24th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

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Flannel is fucking ugly. Which is why I'm so pissed off that Phoebe would dare walk in wearing a flannel dress. Disgusting. Wear lingerie like a fucking adult.

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Eh, not silky enough but you're new at this. I'll allow it.

Ross asks "so how did it go?" and Phoebe is like "uh, it was shitty you wide-chested fuck." I was wondering what kind of thing they were talking about, but it was just heterosexual dating. So I'm cashed out.

So, apparently because the guy said "we should do this again", that means that he's never going to put his warm penis in her cold vagina again. That's a real shame. I don't give a fuck about any of this.

Dating is for normies.

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Through some conversating about metaphors, which leads to mentioning "dogs going to live on a farm", Ross realizes that his parents killed his dog and lied to him about it.

AND THEN THEY JUST HIT THE INTRO.

WHAT IN FUCKNATION?

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So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?

Well sir, I don't like it one bit.

Oh, wait. That's just Chandler reciting lines with Joey. I thought he was actually talking to me because I'm a fucking idiot.

While they're reciting the lines for this seemingly terrible movie, it's revealed that Joey doesn't know how to pretend to smoke.

This was before the vape craze when it was cool to pretend to smoke.

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Cigarettes are for people who aren't cool enough to smoke weed.

We find out that Chandler used to smoke cigarettes, but now he's a fucking loser with functioning lungs. Naturally, he needs that shit to stop so he takes Joey's cigarette and stabs him in the kidneys with a sharpened dildo and beats him to death with the balls.

The absolute ecstacy of lung cancer has given him a firm erection and now he's masturbating to the Camel mascot.

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We join The Friends in Central Perk where they're comparing penis sizes. No. Really. I didn't make that one up.

Phoebe walks in acting like an aspie because of her bank putting $500 in her account without her consent. That is RAPE.

She apparently feels as though she should not have this money because she didn't earn it. I can relate to that, but at the same time I also steal money from old people so I'm a bit of a hypocrite.

Monica's heading off to get deep dicked by a male man with a pingas. They ask "when are we gonna meet this motherfucker?" She puts down her copy of Animal Crossing and says "heckin n*ver." so Chandler makes fun of her ex for having a lisp. Because fuck people with speech impediments.

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After attempting to return the $500, the bank decides to give her MORE money AND a football phone. I'm jealous as fuck. I want a football phone.

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Monica's new boyfriend Allen joins The Friends' softball team and wins the whole game for them. He's basically God, apparently. They kicked the shit out of a bunch of Hasidic Jews (I'm not being racist. That's what they said.)

Chandler then said he wants a "gallon of Allen."

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Okay.

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Dwelling on this so-called Gallon of Allen, Chandler winds up looking up gay porn on his internet box. He has a big cum.

You know what rhymes with cum? Thumb. Which is ironic, because that's what Phoebe found in her soda.

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I'm jealous. I never find thumbs in my soda. It's usually just severed baby dicks, which don't have the sturdiness that thumbs do.

After The Friends whine about Chandler's smoking, we find out that they all have annoying traits. Ross overpronounces words, Phoebe chews her hair, Monica sleeps with penile amputees, Joey jerks off to funny cat videos on YouTube and Rachel drinks her own urine.

Gallon of Allen calls up and dickshames Chandler for smoking, so he decides to finally quit (after saying that he doesn't care about lung cancer because smoking is cool). Ross says "he's incredible. If only he was a woman." Rachel agrees, then realizes that she just exposed that heterosexuality is a brainwashed mental disorder and promptly retook the blue pill because she's not ready for the woke world of marijuana-fueled lesbianism.

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