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The Hockey Puck


Date: September 27th, 2019

Written by: Raccoon


We open mid-conversation of The Friends discussing what they would do if they were omnipotent for a day. Phoebe says she would end world hunger, bring about world peace and good things for the rain forest. That's some hippy garbage if I've ever heard it.

But then she says she would go for bigger boobs. Now there's something I can get behind.


Chandler says if he were omnipotent for a day, he'd make himself omnipotent forever. Damn. Life hack.

Monica asks Joey what he would do if he were omnipotent, he says "probably kill myself." because he thinks it means his peepee no work.

Stupid jackass. Everyone knows that omnipotence only leads to impotence if you have an omnipotent mistress who forces you into one of those metal boner contraptions.

On the topic of that though... Low T. Why am I supposed to feel bad for dudes with Low T? "Oh man. I don't think about fucking 24/7." Wow. I'm so sorry for your loss. Now you have to go be a human being and treat women with respect. What a fucking bite. Let's get you some cum pills that make sure your cock is hard every hour of the day.


So, I think Phoebe is dead. She's just zonked out on the couch. Somebody poke her with a fucking stick.

Right in the titty. That'll wake her up.

Joey and Chandler invite Ross to a SPORTS COMPETITION!, but he's onto their shit. It's not his birthday. In fact, it's closer to the anniversary of his parents fucking in the first place.

But suddenly Ross becomes his alter-ego: Max Sads.

He remembers that it's October 20th. The anniversary of him fucking his lesbian ex-wife for the first time. Why he has that date memorized, I have no idea. I couldn't tell you the date I lost my virginity. But I do remember Family Guy was on the TV.


So that sucks.

Joey is flabberghasted that Ross told his sister about that, but these guys literally talk about fucking nonstop. It's like one step away from an incest anime.


Rachel got her first paycheck ever, so now she can buy a new latex catsuit and help me bring my utopian society to life.

As she's raging at how shit her paycheck is, a bunch of pregnant normies show up and start spazzing out because they know Rachel. It's like fucking white noise. It's awful.


Human emotion annoys the shit out of me. Any time I see someone go "(Gasp!!) Hiiiiiiiiiiii!" I want to roundhouse kick them into a dinner table and watch is explode like a fighting stage in True Crime: Streets of LA.

Ross recalls that the first time he fucked his lesbian ex-wife, she was wearing boots and never took them off. That's fucking hot. But then you remember she was getting fucked by Ross and it all goes downhill.

The trio of gaggling cunts tries to convince Rachel to snap back to reality, but she's trying to lose herself in minimum wage. She better never let it go.


What kind of retarded bitch would work minimum wage when they can easily get a million dollar handout overnight?

Rachel has stopped using her credit cards, which made the company call her and be like "hey whore, what the fuck you doin'?" This leads to a severe mental breakdown on her end. Like, she's toast. Holy shit.

Monica's trying to get a slumber party going... in cotton pajamas. What are we, fucking Amish? Where's the silk?


Whatever. Fuck it. It's hockey time!

And finally, as Ross is starting to enjoy himself... he catches a puck to the teeth!


I blame Casey Jones.

The pizza delivery boy gives The Girl Friends the wrong pizza, but they find out that the guy whose pizza they got is some super hot muscle hunk with washboard abs and a cock like a velociraptor.


A small child steals Ross's hockey puck, so Ross decides to kick the shit out of him. But, as they're wrestling for it, the puck flies and cracks the nurse in the face. But she deserved it. She made these fuckers sit in the lobby for like an hour while she complained about her candy bar on the phone. I'm glad she's fucking dead.