Written by: Raccoon
To coin a phrase from Fear Factory of Prodigy: wake the fuck up, Lamer Boys. There's faceless white guys in the forest who are distorting video and scaring people.
This is Marble Hornets! I used to be obsessed with this nonsense back when it was updating, even creating the ToTheArk mask as a tribute.
But now I'm older. Wiser. More jaded. Less autistic. So how does it still stack up? I'm going to rewatch the entire fucking thing. All 86 entries, including the information I have to look up for every entry. This is a complete watchthrough. Fucking sick, right? I know. I work hard. So put on your marble fishnets, put on a mask, kill a man with a cinderblock and buckle up fuckstick because this is Human Raccoon's take on Marble Hornets.
So Alex Kralie was making a student film, but got increasingly annoyed and pissy. That sounds about right. Trying to get normies to cooperate on productions is a fucking nightmare. I've tried making films back in high school and people just suck at everything so it's not even worth it.
Ah geez. That's no good. You gotta finish what you start, my guy.
Maybe he was upset that it wasn't IN his house. You know? I get mad when I can't microwave meatballs on demand.
Perhaps he was craving some balls.
I asked what I should do with the remaining tapes. He said "burn them."
That's not good for the environment. :(
Being a film student myself, I hate to see all his work go to waste.
I'm a tape enthusiast and I echo that thought. Fuck this tape burning nerd. Let's kick his ass.
And after some coercing, he agreed to give them to me.
...did you... suck his dick? What the fuck?
Soon after, Alex transferred schools and I haven't seen him since.
Sounds like he values his privacy. Good thing you mentioned his name in this video. You're totally gonna piss him off, and this is (current year). He's probably going to shoot you in the chest.
At the time, I was too unnerved to look through the tapes and eventually forgot about them.
What a pussy.
A few days ago I found them filed away in the back of my closet.
I have a shit ton of tapes in my closet too, but they're mostly Chuck Norris movies.
But fuck that noise, it's time to look through the tapes!
Alright. That was the introduction. Now we move onto what we're all here for... entry #1!
See!? I was right! Meatballs!
Maybe he was watching weird Japanese fetish porn and didn't want anyone to find out.
Everything seems normal here. He's looking through his window, maybe he saw a deer in his yard-- WAIT A MINUTE.
Oh fuck! It's Hitman!
Quick! Whip out a Skanner and scan the back of his neck!
I'm assuming that this bald fellow has been following Alex for a while, watching him beat off and such. What a perv.
From Alex's videos, he's talking to himself and probably documenting himself at this point.
He was taking his dog for a walk around midnight near the set of Marble Hornets, his student film, he saw "a really tall guy" standing in the street. The dog started flipping his shit and having a brain spasm. He mentions that he's come back to see if the guy's still here, which is fucking insane.
Like, "there's this creepy tall dude who my dog is scared shitless of... I'm gonna hunt him down!"
Are you retarded? What the fuck?
Alex wasn't able to locate him, saying that he's gone now. You're lucky because that guy sounds fucking terrifying.
From roughly 12 tapes, apparently the only thing of interest was a shot of Alex's knee. It sounds like he's sifting through a bunch of condoms or something.
I'm not good with sounds.
There's a small digital glitch during this, which probably means that this guy dropped his camera like an irresponsible dickhead.
We go through this little fellas whole day! Buying tapes, walking through the woods, pondering his sexuality, driving to a gay bar, etc. He's set an alarm on his phone to remind him to replace the tape, implying that he doesn't want to miss a single second documenting his boring shit life. He's like every girl on the internet.
Alex has filmed himself taking a stroll through a park... at night! Everything's creepier at night!
He finds a swing set going full speed with nobody on it. That means he's not alone here, so he better watch his butthole, for it may get penetrated by The Park Rapist.
As he's looking around, he sees Slenderman running away like a four year old and flips the fuck out.
But when he turns around, the man is gone.
Now we get to meet Jay, the guy uploading these videos. The doxxer has become the doxxee! He's interviewing Alex about filming locations for Marble Hornets, and it's fucking boring. His movie was gonna suck. One of those movies with feelings and emotions. Fuck that. I want to see blood and people crying like whores.
The audio turns into an absolute abortion to listen to. Which can only mean the Slenderfriend is nearby! Fiend!
Jay notices a tall-red thing. Upon him describing it as a tall-red thing I thought it was the Slenderman wearing a Darth Maul costume, but upon actually looking away from my 3DS it turns out it's a big red barn box rectangle thing.
The take-away from this is that there's a lot of audio/video glitching. So whatever. Get a better camera, dweebs.
IT'S THE SKINNYGUY. FUCK.
On this tape they were filming Horny Marbles with Brian, who apparently sucks.
I don't know... this town doesn't feel the same to me anymore. I missed it so much when I was in college. But now that I'm back? I just feel like a depressed teenager all over again, stuck in a loop of unhappiness.
That's deeper than Sasha Grey's ass.
But then, Alex sees Slenderbro in the background standing around like a weirdo. He sprinkles a quarter ounce of diarrhea into his underwear and takes off.
It's art time! Alex has taken a break from all this stress to draw some cute pictures! D'aww!
Good for him.
Oh God. Alex is on his period.
He's freaking out at them for sounding like they're reading lines, yells at Jay for stopping the camera, screams "I GAVE YOU ONE JOB!" Yells at a guy for bringing his dog. This motherfucker is unhinged!!!
Mommy... do indy filmmakers get periods?
Cue the running music!
While Alex is sleeping, a shadow enters and is visible for a moment. I hate when that happens. I saw a demon thing when I got sleep paralysis once and it was terrifying, but I never saw it again so I don't think I need to invest in tapes or anything.
Plus I'm shy. I don't wanna be on camera.
I'd probably be a good target for the Slenderman because I wouldn't document anything.
In this entry, it's a little more relaxed. Alex and his friends are discussing their favorite Pokemon or whatever when all of a sudden Kdenlive's Grain filter gets enabled and Slenderfriend pops in.
Once again they're doing location scouting for Marble Hornets.
During their scouting, Alex finds the Operator's symbol etched into a stone in the woods. And you know what that means!
...Uh... Somethin'! It means somethin'.
After all this nonsense, Alex is all tuckered out and needs a nap... but unfortunately, the Slenderfriend decides to poke in and tentacle fuck his butthole.
Alex wakes up looking like he was in a Ric Flair match, and Jay says he needs to find out where Alex has gone.
You'd think there'd be some sort of definitive ending to this, but it's apparently just ketchup head looking all pissy. That's seriously how we end this arc.
So, I guess this concludes the opening analysis of this series. This shit is kinda slow paced and sludgy early on, so I wanted to attack the early story setup all at once. But this show is absolutely pointless. I don't understand what the fuck the point of this shit is. Bald guy shows up, shit distorts, end scene. Every time. This isn't storytelling. This is the absence of storytelling. But I'm going to keep going, because I have to find out what the fuck they were thinking.