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My Secret Identity


Television » Quick Looks :: Date: July 16th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

Yesterday, somebody confusedly asked me "how can you make fun of something you like?" Little do they realize, that's the entire point of this webzine! I mostly review stuff I'm a fan of but I make fun of it. Despite what that talentless jizzbag Nostalgia Critic will tell you, you don't actually have to hate everything to be funny.

We get introduced to this young boy who isn't wearing a shirt for whatever reason while mowing the lawn for Dr. Jeffcoat. Luckily we know that Jeffcoat isn't some kind of creepy pedophile because he makes fun of the boy for taking his shirt off. While being at Jeffcoat's garage, he accidentally gets zapped by a ray. The next day he finds himself floating in mid-air. I thought he said "what the fuck" but he just said "what the?" I wish he had said fuck. It's funny when people say fuck.

He notices that something didn't hurt him, so he takes a lighter and tries to burn himself. That's a logical progression (if you're a complete bumbling dumbfuck.)

Like a total nerd, this kid walks up to the professor and says "I am Ultraman!" What a fucking virgin.

This kid winds up trying to become a superhero and save a girl from a kidnapper. He runs in and yells at him to "unhand her." so the dude literally pulls out a fucking gun and shoots him. He tried to shoot a child. What a dick! The guy punches him in the face and breaks a wooden chair over this kid and he doesn't even give a shit. He's like Taz in ECW. It's awesome.

Eventually the girl is saved and the kid says "we can't stop now! We've gotta keep going! We're a team!" I guess he's right because they made like 77 episodes of this show.


In the next episode, Andrew ends up saving the life of a young ruffian who tells him he's now a member of his gang. I hope he gets his Bombers Secret Society notebook.

His mom tells him he needs to stop hanging out with the creepy old man next door and instead hang out with some kids his own age. This is like people who shame me for my love of milfs.


I would die for you.

But then the thugs show up and make her regret her comments.


They end up mugging people, but after the leader of the gang tells Andrew to destroy a car or go fuck himself, he decides he'd rather go fuck himself. The gang leader starts a fight, headbutts him, knocks himself out and Andrew is named the new leader of the Daggers (or whatever the fuck they're called.) I guess the theme song was right when it said "sometimes this double life gets out of hand." Damn shame.

In the next episode, "Only Trying To Help", Andrew reads Dr. Jeffcoat's mail... seemingly only as a plot device to justify his mom manhandling his comic books and then reading his diary, where she read about his superpowers and decided that he has too much of an imagination and it must be stopped.

Even the teacher, once told about this, calls her out on reading his diary. She's a cunt.

After Andrew tells the professor that his mom read his diary, the professor flips out that he even has a diary. "You're writing down dates, names, and about your superpowers? Why don't you just hold a press conference and say 'Hi, I'm Ultraman!?"

Andrew says "Alright... go ahead... Hit me."

Professor goes "You're invulnerable."

Andrew says "Yeah, but it'll make you feel better."

How? We already saw in the last episode that when that dude headbutted you it knocked him out. If that dumpling boy ass professor punches you he'll break his hand.

Besides, it would only feel good to punch you if it hurt you.


By episode 6, Andrew meets his hero: Oldtra Man! But after visiting the TV set of the superhero show he's on, he discovers that he uses a stunt double. He gets all upset and butthurt because he thought the old ass motherfucker was really doing all his own stunts. Are you a fucking mark? How the fuck would he? Is one of your powers being a super-dipshit?

A part that irritated the shit out of me was when Andrew walked into the restaurant and got mad at the old man for not remembering his order. He said "I've been coming in here for a long time. When I say 'the usual' it should mean something."

Yeah, I should just clutter my fucking brain with your order because your food is so important to me. God forbid I learn a foreign language or how to play an instrument. Gotta flood my mind with your inane buttfuckery to assure I never get out of my minimum wage job.

You know what? Fuck everyone. This review is over.